UNTAMABLE

The Struggle ch. 26

FALLON

I knew it was wrong, but the drinking and our talking just got me thinking, there was no way out of this. Life clearly wanted me in this subservient role, why else would every fucking path lead me back here. I was done fighting Eloi, what was the point. I couldn't change anything and eventually I could love him, a part of me already did, I figured I'd just get it over with. I hadn't expected him to refuse me. It was humiliating to say the least. This was a new kind of loneliness and it almost crushed me.

I didn't see him the next morning and I had work in the afternoon, I was glad, I wasn't sure if I was ready to face him. That and I was still wallowing in self-pity, last night was the first time I had let myself full acknowledge the similarity between Eloi and Travis, that was his name. And while Travis and I lacked the sexual chemistry, I was basically in the same position as I was four years, tied to some guy, expect this time there really was no way around this, I was stuck.

"Hey, you okay?" The shop was slow and I guess Zara had picked up on my mood. I nodded. "You sure, because you don't look like it."

"Just have a lot on my mind."

"A lot, like that hot not-boyfriend of yours?" she asked smiling.

"He's a part of it yes, things are just...complicated."

"I know, you've said that." I could tell by her tone she wasn't going to drop this, I couldn't tell her the whole story, but maybe there was a way to word it, so she'd get the gist and at this point I could use someone to talk to.

"It's just, things are moving really fast between us, we just met and we're already living together and he has all these...ideas about the future and us and there's still a lot I want to do, for myself you know? And I just feel like I need a break, clear my head, figure out what I want."

"And you're sure you want him?" I did, at least a part of me did. And if I could split myself in two and leave half with him I would in a heartbeat. Eloi was right, all this stemmed from me trying to hold on to my old life, but I had just so little time in it, I wasn't ready to let it go. I couldn't just jump into this with both feet because it felt like I was closing the door on all the other opportunities.

"I do want him, I can't imagine my life without him." That part was true.

"But," she said waiting for me to continue, but what, I didn't know how to explain it to her. I had a foot in each world and to be with Eloi I'd have to give up one completely and trust that this was the right path for me, something which might have been a whole hell of a lot easier if I had any say in any of this.

"But I just don't want to lose myself, this relationship can be all consuming." I could only imagine what she thought, but it was the truth, there were large parts of me that felt fundamentally different. And when she took over I felt completely lost in her, what would happen when I eventually stopped fighting her? I'd give into Eloi completely, I knew she would.

Zara didn't have any advice for me, she did offer to let me crash at her place if I needed some time away, I told her I'd consider it.

Staying in town after work, I was killing time, not looking forward to going back. When I did finally make my way home I ran into Kyle who told me Eloi had left, apparently, he had some business to take care of at another pack. It was conveniently timed and I tried not to let it get to me.