Lifeless

Chapter 6 Epilogue?

I found myself back in my room at the Shiba residence once again. I guess when I passed out, they brought me here.

I got up from my futon and looked at myself in the mirror, that was the first time I've seen myself after regaining my memories. I died at the age of 19, but I looked like a 13 year old standing in front of the mirror. How weird…

Apart from my age, nothing else about me really changed. Maybe my hair was a little too long for my taste but other than that I looked fine.

Well that was it… I remembered everything. Yet nothing felt too different, I wasn't really sure what I should do now that I had them back.

About 6 decades has passed, to be exact 68 years has passed since I died

Trying to get my thoughts straight, I decided to go for a walk. So I changed into something casual, placed my sword on my back and tied my hair into a low ponytail.

What will happen now? I don't think I'd kill myself after knowing who I am, I don't want Ichigo to be sad and my friends to worry about me again. Friends… the friends I made when I was still alive, Rukia-san, Renji, Rangiku-san, Toshiro… I didn't even know if I could still consider him a friend after what he said before he disappeared from my life without an explanation. Even though I knew the reason now, I wasn't sure if I wanted to forgive him for that. But then again, his reasons were rational ones, they made perfect sense. Shinigamis couldn't be with humans, because of so many reasons. Even if I understood that now, it still hurt like hell when I thought he just left thinking that all those years we had known each other meant nothing to him.

"It's not the same I guess. She wouldn't see me as the same person anymore, she'll just see ms as a stranger who suddenly appeared in her life trying to make her falling in love with him. I don't want that. Besides she might already have someone important to her. It has been so long ago since she died after all. If that's the case I don't want to destroy her happiness so I could be happy again. I'd rather suffer than stealing her happiness"

I remembered what he said the day before I left. I guess Toshiro suffered a lot too when he made that decision. I remember perfectly the pain on his face when he said those words to me.

Then there was Yuzu, my sister. Someone I really wanted to protect. How was she? Was she married to the perfect guy like she always tell me? Did she name her children after our mother and brother? Did she move on after I died. She passed out when she found out that I had died. The day Yuzu was strongly affected. I remember that she passed out crying as she saw me standing there and my lifeless body in my brother's arms. Despite the situation I was glad that she was finally able to see ghost, because if not, she wouldn't have saw me and knew that I was fine even if I died. I just hope that Ichi-ni and our father explained everything to her. She didn't deserve to be in the dark like that.

Speaking of family, I needed to talk with my brother, he had to know that I was ok and that's my memories are back. And I still didn't blame him for my death. I could only blame myself. Remember seeing him cry the day I passed on was one of the worst moments of my life, I didn't want Ichi-ni to be sad after all.

So much has changed. I have changed, I wasn't sure who I wanted to be from now on. Was I going to be the Karin before I died or the Karin after I died? After knowing who I was… so many of the stuff I did back then when I was in the 80th was stuff that the me before death would never do. And I felt horrible about it

For starters. I said all those horrible things to Toshiro.

I guess what I should do is continuing my life like always. I mean… after recuperating my memories, it is just like that  I've continued with my old life. Yet I feel so different. Like if I've just been awoken from a coma and found out the the life I thought I was living was just a lie. Only this wasn't a lie, what I've been through those past 65 years in the Rukongai was no nightmare nor a lie. What should I do…?