Give Me All Your Hopeless Hearts // Frerard

March 7th

        I planned on sleeping in obscenely late through the day and hope to just have the weekend go by so I wasn't alone and wallowing in my thoughts for too long. But my phone was ringing and that screw up my perfectly good plans. 

        The first three rings, I ignore it, hoping for it to just stop. But then I give in and grab my phone, yanking it off the charger to see who it is. Gerard's calling me. Okay-Oh god. He's calling me? I spring up and stare at my phone, staring at it. I should answer it. The obvious answer is to answer it. I want to answer it. I really do want to hear from him. But instead, I sit on my bed and watch it ring and hold it while it vibrates in my hands, eventually, it ends and goes to voicemail. 

        I clutch my phone in my hand staring at the new notification pop up. One missed call from Gerard Way. I hate myself. I hate everything that's happened. I wish I could go back but nothing's the same anymore. All of last week, I've just been ignoring my friends. I haven't gone to art since Tuesday, I just stay in study hall. Hayley and Brendon have tried talking to me about it but I don't really want them to hate me too. No, that's extreme. Jenna doesn't hate me, she just doesn't understand why I'm so angry at Gerard. She went to go see him again on Thursday with Cody. She told me Gerard wanted to see me again too. Of course, I didn't go. And she got mad at me, thinking I've given up on him completely. I don't know how to explain it to her that it's killing me inside. I don't know how to explain it for her to understand why I can't be there for him. Because I need him here for me and that's not how things are anymore. Lynn feels bad, which I don't want her to. I just want her to move on, forget about whatever feelings she knows that existed between Gerard and me once upon a time. It's been two weeks since all was right in the world. It's felt like an eternity. That was a different lifetime ago. 

        My phone rings again and I answer it, immediately regretting it. I see it's Gerard and the call time starts counting. My phone's in my hands and I stare at it. I answered it, too late. Well, I could just hang up. But I really don't want to. Reluctantly, I put the phone to my ear. "Hello?" I whisper. 

        "Hi." I assume is Gerard on the other end. It doesn't sound like him, it's a little deeper and monotone. 

        My face starts heating up and I quickly hang up, tossing it on my bed. I can't do this. I can't talk to him. I don't want to hear his voice. I don't want this to resurface. I just want to forget about everything. Forget Gerard and those stupid feelings I have for him. I want to just disappear. 

        My phone starts ringing again. I swear to god, I'm going to throw this through the window. I snatch it off my mattress but I see Mikey's contact. My anger cools down and I answer it. "Hello?"

        "Hey," he says. "Is it okay if I talk to you?"

        "Yeah?"

        "Just making sure. You hung up on Gerard so..." I don't say anything. "He's back home actually."

        "He is?"

        "Yeah, I mean, he got home last night. Right now, he's just on the couch just moping around but at least he's home."

        "Well, that's a sign he's getting better," I say. 

        "Yeah," Mikey sighs. "Physically at least. Emotionally, it's been stagnant." That's not what I wanted to hear. My hands are shaking while I hold the phone. "I told him to call you."

        "Wasn't his idea then."

        "No, but he was willing. You, I take it, aren't." Again, I don't say anything and Mikey sighs deeply into the phone. "Frank, I'm upstairs right now so it's just you and me. But I think you should see Gerard."