SELF-LOVE ↯ NAMJIN

nineteen » s e l f - l o v e

[kim namjoon pov.]

the sun shone through the blinds of my room, directly in my face. i slowly opened my eyes, smiling softly at the beautiful view.

i imagined the sun capturing my brown eyes, making them shine, and smiled even more. even though it was the most important day in my life, i felt relaxed.

i dressed up, feeling good because of the clothes i was wearing. i ate some cereal, my favourite one. it tasted nice and sweet. i brushed my teeth and styled my hair a bit, i wanted to look good for him.

i opened the door and entered the car with my parents, feeling them smiling fondly at me as i they saw me dressed up. i was excited for today, as the performance was the first time i prepared as much for something, ever.

i felt safe and optimistic, the show would not be a problem for me. i was sure.

we met seokjin, chanyoung, chanyoung's parents and jungho at the school gates, and we shared nervous and excited glances at each other, as well as warmhearted laughter. i pecked seokjin as a greeting and his cheeks tinted pink while i grinned at his cuteness.

my eyes wandered to chanyoung and i saw her holding hands with jungho. her eyes met mine and we smiled at each other, conversing through our minds.

now it seems like we both found our special someones, huh?

seems like it.

we really found our homes. i grabbed seokjin's hand and we made our way inside the school, the place i called hell for the longest time, the place that got endurable only through seokjin's presence. i couldn't believe it wasn't long until seokjin would graduate.

the closer we got to the school's auditorium, the more nervous i got. i felt my hands begin to sweat and my stare eyed all the people that came to the yearly talent show. from year to year there seemed to be more people, which wasn't a surprise since our school began to get popular for their talented pupils.

we met mr. lee at the entrance to the auditorium, and he guided chanyoung and me backstage while the others took their seats. i waved back to seokjin and he gave me two thumbs up. my stomach twitched nervously the closer the watch hands traveled to the beginning of the show, but i was nothing compared against chanyoung.

she was pacing up and down the hallway leading to the stage, her face pale and breathing uneven.

i stood up and took her hands in my wrists, making her stop for the moment and her her looking in my eyes. the obvious fear and killing nervousness was prominent in her pretty features and i hugged her closely.

»we are gonna do amazing. you are gonna do amazing. you're cha chanyoung, remember? you're the best singer in the world. we practiced so much for this, and we won't fail. i promise you, everything is going to go amazing.« i whispered into her ear and she seemed to relax slightly at my voice. pulling away, she looked more hopeful.

»i'm so proud of you namjoon. in just these few months you've managed to get out of your depression. you met a stunning boyfriend. things got easier for your family. you learned to love yourself.«

tears welled in my eyes. »i'm proud of you too, chanyoung. you were in even deeper depression than i was and you managed to hide it so well. i still feel guilty sometimes, but i'm so happy you and jungho are finally together. i can see how well he treats you and that you are happy. i admire you so, so much.«

she smiled at me and squeezed my hands. »let's do amazing today.«

right then the lights in the auditorium went dark and everyone stopped talking. mr. lee entered the stage and introduced himself and everyone that would be performing this evening, cracking jokes here and there and making the audience laugh.

not long after, the first student stepped on stage, an underclassman, and danced an amazing cover of a super junior song, enchanting the room with his presence.

many more followed, girls and boys were singing, dancing, rapping, playing instruments, even acting, doing stand-up comedy and magic tricks. an hour had already passed, and chanyoung and i were enjoying the show despite us anxiously waiting for our turn, as mr. lee entered stage for the nth time this evening.

»our next performance is a duo - one being the school's sweetheart, cha chanyoung, together with a boy who wrote countless songs that were performed on this stage by others the past years, kim namjoon. now they finally make their "debut", with lost, written by kim namjoon and performed on piano!«

i grabbed chanyoung's hand and we stepped on stage, smiling at the audience and making out our families and friends at the back before bowing down. i sat down behind the grand black piano, chanyoung took the microphone in her hands.

everything was silent. this is it, i thought. this is how i can show everyone the real namjoon. the namjoon that evolved and improved out of love. seokjin's namjoon.

i began playing the intro, the melody i had played over and over, the melody that had burned itself into my head. i looked up to chanyoung when her part started, and caught her looking at me. i nodded, and she sung.

she sung. my song. the song that i wrote in the darkest times of my life, the song that described my life so perfectly. and her's, too. her voice was full of emotion, piercing through everyone's hearts, making tears sting in my eyes.

lost my way, found my way.

i really found my way home. i found my way to seokjin, i found my way to jungho, i found my way to my mother, i found another, a more beautiful way to chanyoung.

i thought about what she said earlier.

you learned to love yourself.

i learned the most important thing is to love yourself, thanks to the amazing people in my life. thanks to seokjin.

i could love myself.

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..and that's it. that was the last chapter. phew
- CHONS