Playing With Fire (A Merle Dixon Story)

Chapter Thirty-Six

Author's Note:

I just wanted to take some time to say how incredibly sorry I am that I broke all your hearts...don't worry mine is broken too. I get really sad whenever I think about how I won't wrote another chapter from Harlow's POV again...But writing how Merle feels, that's the worst. My heart is hurting the entire time I'm writing. Thank you so much for all your comments, follows, votes, and messages. You all make me so happy! Enjoy the next chapter!

-Nikki-

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Merle

I’d never been the type to have nightmares. Not when I was a kid. Not when I was older and my daddy would slap me around. Not even after the war. Never been afraid of anythin’ enough for a nightmare. Sittin’ there, though, I prayed to whatever the hell god there was that this was just a nightmare. That I’d wake up and none of this would be real. That she’d still be alive, shootin’ some sorta smartass comment at me or rollin’ her eyes in that way she always did whenever I said somethin’ she didn’t like. This wasn’t any nightmare, though. Somewhere deep down I knew that, which made everythin’ that much worse.

Even now, she was still the most damn beautiful thing I’d ever seen. I still couldn’t believe a woman like that would pick me over everyone else. She was so still, though. So quiet. The opposite of everythin’ she’d been when she was alive. Just a few hours ago she’d been in my arms. Every time I looked at her now, it felt like somethin’ ice cold had been plunged into my chest and was squeezin’ my heart. Felt like each breath took about a hundred times the effort it usually did.

It played out in my head over and over again. I saw her smilin’ at me as she walked out of the cellblock door, tellin’ me not to wait up. I heard Carol’s voice screamin’ from behind the sheet metal, I saw Harlow lyin’ in the pool of red blood and heard her voice tellin’ me she’d stay if she could. Then I played out a thousand different scenarios, wonderin’ if there was somethin’ I could’ve done. If I could’ve stopped this. I should’ve been with her. It should’ve been me with her up there, watchin’ her. Keepin’ her safe like I was supposed to. This was my fault.

I didn’t hear the footsteps comin’ up behind me, didn’t even know someone was there until I felt them sit down next to me.

“I’m sorry, Merle. I’m so sorry.”

I recognized Charlie’s quiet voice, but didn’t say a word back. Sorry didn’t change the fact that my Harlow was gone for good. Sorry didn’t do a god damn thing. Someone was suddenly on my other side and I knew without havin’ to look that it was Daryl.

“We need to bury her, Merle. Have a funeral. Put her to rest.” He said.

I closed my eyes shut tight, tryin’ not to think about her buried under the cold, hard earth. That wasn’t puttin’ her to rest. I didn’t know what that was, but it wasn’t the place someone like Harlow should be restin’. Under the ground. It made me feel like breakin’ apart all over again. I couldn’t watch that happen. I opened my eyes and looked at Harlow. All my life I’d heard that bad things happen to good people, and I’d never really believed it until now. Maybe I was a bad person, but Harlow wasn’t. I was the one that deserved to die like that. Not her.

I felt Charlie gently touch my arm before her fingers were curling over mine. “I know there’s nothing anyone can say to make this alright, but I’m glad you had her.” She was sayin’. “Even if it wasn’t for as long as you wanted. I’ve never seen you that happy. I’m glad you got to have that for a little while.”

That was just it, though. For a little while. When I really thought about it, the time I had with Harlow didn’t even come close to long enough. We were just gettin’ started.