50 Thoughts That Scare Me [Frerard]

Chapter 17 - The Black Parade

I was feeling completely out of it. My head was fuzzy and I felt on the verge of puking my guts up, but there was nothing in my stomach to barf out. And that just made the pain worse. Honestly, I even felt on the verge of tears. 

I was nervous. Something I wasn't too used to, I have never been nervous like this anyways. 

I was going in for another check up. Seeing how the meds weren't working and Chemo just seemed so pointless, the doctors said I at least should get check ups every few weeks. Extremely close dates, in fact. And the thing is, Gerard wanted to attend them. I still haven't told him the bad news yet, I was scared of Gerard having to find out about the condition, the worst condition I was in. I didn't want him to know. I felt it would bring him pain. But I knew if somehow he just found me dead, that would make more pain. I was terrified of that happening too, so I just agreed for him to come with me. Though, he wouldn't be hearing what condition I'm in, hopefully. 

We walked into the cancer center holding hands, Gerard was smiling and confident, I was quiet and nervous. There was no reason for me to be nervous, but for some reason I was. 

We were both brought into the room immediately. I was sitting on the uncomfortable bed and Gerard sat next to me in a lousy excuse for a chair. He was still smiling. Only if he knew. I thought to myself, I turned to him and said something that has been on my mind since day 1, "You're adorable." I was blushing like mad when he looked at me and realized what I said, "Aw you're so cute, I love you Frankie." He looked down at his hands that were folded in his lap. My throat was beginning to close, I was sweating, those words were one of my biggest fears, I could never tell him that back, I can't even think about it. 

"I-I can't say it back." I whispered. 

"I know," he said plainly, "I just wanted you to know." He was looking straight into my eyes, his eyes were the most beautiful shade of hazel mixed with dark green, I could get lost in his eyes forever. We were interrupted by the door opening, it was the doctor. He had all smiles, which was complete bullshit because he works on the cancer ward. What, is he smiling because he doesn't have cancer? Does cancer please him? Like what the hell? I'm scared of cancer, it doesn't put smiles on people's faces.

"Okay, Mr.Iero, I'm aware that you're here for just a check up?" The doctor, which didn't even bother to give me a name, asked. I shook my head, I was now aware that Gerard slipped his hand into mine. 

"Now it says here that the medication isn't working? Are you still doing chemo?" He asked. I swallowed and slightly glanced to Gerard. His smile was wiped right off of his face. I looked back at the doctor with an ice cold expression, "No." I said plainly, but really I was in pain. Gerard knew now, and I was scared about his reaction. I looked at Gerard again, his face was even pale and looking more sad than before. 

"Okay." The doctor said and left the room, to get god knows what. I didn't bother turning to Gerard, I was ashamed. At this moment I realized I should've told Gerard despite what my gut feeling was, my emotions were shot enough, what if Gerard didn't want to date a walking corpse like myself? 

"Why didn't you tell me?" Gerard whispered after a few moments of silence. 

"I didn't want to worry you." I shrugged, I didn't really know why I didn't tell him. I was confusing myself. 

"Bullshit. Frank, you know you can trust me, right? I'm always gonna be here for you." He was stressing the fact that I could trust him, he must have figured out that I have trust issues. 

But that's when I realized, I could trust someone. For once in my life, I had someone I could put my trust into, he was always going to be there. I didn't only have a boyfriend, but for once, I had a friend. The one thing I always was sorely lacking in my life. A friend.