50 Thoughts That Scare Me [Frerard]

Alone -Chapter 3

I bit my lip as I walked on the way home, after some time I had to put my hood up because it had started to rain. Biting my lip is an addiction I had picked up on, the pain from my teeth sinking into my skin just reminds me that pain is real, and people may try to give me sympathy, but the world will never give someone sympathy. You see, the world works out in a way that can be fair, unlike people and systems ran by people. The world doesn't care if your sick, healthy, or in my case have cancer, or are a famous guitarist, the world will still give you pain weather or not you ask for it, or try to avoid it. Pain is something that will always be given to you. Some times we can choose our pain, by meeting false friends, or we could choose our pain by taking a risk of some sort. But the world will always be there to hand out it's daily dose of pain.

The pitter patter sound of the rain brought me back to reality. Cruel, sick, twisted reality. I watched as small children played in mud puddles, their parents yelling at them for doing so. "You're going to ruin your clothes!" Some parents would yell at their kids. 'That could be the last mud puddle that kid could ever play in.' I thought to myself. Though, I would never speak of these things. For various reasons besides the right I have to keeping my thoughts secrets, I didn't want to be rude, and I am rather shy so staying silent is the best choice for me.

I stepped onto the porch of my house and unlocked the door. As soon as I walked into the house, I noticed the dark and silence that just so happened to be present. I took my jacket off and hung it up, sighing as I spotted the note my mom had left on the counter.

Frank, I'm spending the week at my friends house. I know what you're thinking, this took a lot of thought. Please call if you need anything. Stay safe.

Love Mom xoxo

The note was sweet, at least she just didn't disappear without telling me where she was going. But on the other hand, she indeed did not know what I was thinking, she probably just guessed what I was thinking. Oh well. The thought of me being home alone for a week doesn't sadden me but it doesn't make me happy either. Being alone in the house without my mom has it's ups and it's downs.

At least I won't have someone bugging me to take my medication. That's a plus. A really big plus actually, I hated lying to my mom but I've gotten used to it.

I sat down on the couch, drinking some chocolate milk I got. Now, what is there to do when you're bored and all alone when it's raining? I bit my lip again, I really need to stop this habit. Well, I could play some music. I set my chocolate milk down on the coffee table and went to the radio. I popped in a cd and pressed play.

Basket Case by Green Day erupted from the speakers. An idea popped into my mind. I paused the song and ran upstairs, grabbing my guitar, and then running back down the stairs. I plugged my guitar into an amp I had sitting in the living room, I hit play on the radio and played along to the song.

I was half way through the song when I heard knocking on the door. That couldn't be right. I was all alone and no one bothered to talk to me, I'm the freak of the town. I wouldn't be if people knew about my condition, but that's private. No one but mom and I should know about it. I don't need sympathy. I don't need anyone or anything. Well, besides food, air, and water of course.

I placed my guitar down on its stand carefully, I didn't bother to turn the music off. Whoever's at the door will disappear as soon as they notice I, the freak live here. I walked over to the door and pulled it open slowly. I was met with the familiar face I met at the park earlier today. Though, I forgot his name. I'm bad at remembering names, there's no need to remember names because I have no friends's names to remember.

"Oh hey it's you!" The male greeted me.

"Sadly it is. Sorry I forgot your name already, but why are you here?" I asked, I didn't come off as rude, more like shy. Nothing different.

"Gerard. Well, I didn't know you lived here but apparently we're neighbors now." Gerard smiled a small smile.

"You moved next door?" I guessed.

"Yup. I just moved in today. I just came here to greet the new neighbors. To, you know, make some friends." He turned shy all of a sudden. I watched as a light shade of pink spread across his cheeks. I chuckled silently.

I would make friends with him, but I don't let people inside of me. Not in like some sick way, I mean I don't let people get inside my head. People will only cause you pain.

"I'm sort of not a friendly person." I explained. I saw a deep frown replace the blush and small smile he once had.

"Oh, I understand." He turned around to walk away. I felt guilty, I felt horrible, I felt like a fucking monster. Just to let you know, that rarely happens. Another thing to be afraid of. How wonderful.

"I-I was kidding. Come inside." I grabbed Gerard's arm and pulled him into my house. It felt weird. Interacting with someone. Willingly. Well, not willingly, my emotions are forcing this. The guilt inside of me is forcing the interaction with Gerard. Gerard who I've only known for about an hour maybe, I've only said a few full sentences too. All meaningless sentences.

"I love this song." Gerard commented as he heard the remains of Basket Case playing. I smiled, a real smile. Maybe this kid isn't so bad after all.

"Me too. So why don't we sit in here and just talk." I suddenly felt interested in Gerard. It's not everyday you meet someone who likes the same music as you. Who knows, maybe we have more in common. Gerard nodded his head and sat down on the couch, next to me. But we sat on opposite sides of the couch so we could face each other as we spoke.

"So, why don't you tell me about yourself, Gerard." I suggested.

"Okay, I like music, I'm 17, I'm deathly afraid of needles, People usually don't take an interest in me, I like to draw, My bedroom is like my safe haven. What about you?" He looked at me. Now the tables are turned and I have nothing to say, really. 

"Uhm well, I'm 16, I play guitar, and I...Yeah, that's about it." I answered, rather awkwardly. I didn't want to tell him too much about myself. It's all just too personal, I'm not like an open book. 

"What about fears? Do you have any of those?" And there it is, the part where I have a panic attack because I don't know how to answer this. 'Yeah, actually, I have a long list of things I'm afraid of.' No, I can't say that. He'll think I'm a freak like all the others. But wait, why do I care if he thinks I'm a freak? I just met him, and I usually don't care..Well, I actually do but still. 

"Yup." I simply answered. He chuckled at my lame response. "So, what's something you hate about yourself that you can't change?" I asked, trying to keep this apparent game of 20 questions alive.

"Anxiety and depression. I struggle with them a lot. What about you?"

"And you're willing to admit that to someone you just met? How could you trust someone so easily?" I asked, my voice not going over a whisper.

"I don't know. Tell me 1 thing you're afraid of?" He shrugged his shoulders, his black greasy hair falling in his face slightly. I thought for a minute, something that scares me that isn't too bad? Something he won't call me a baby over?

"I'm afraid to be alone." I whispered, focusing my eyes on my guitar in front of me. I know I said I like being alone, but I'm scared of it. 

"Why?"  Gerard whispered back. 

"If you're alone for too long, you could go insane from lack of communication." I finally looked into his eyes. 

"You're a smart one, Frank." He smiled slightly. 

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1. I'm scared of the thought that people don't take time to realize what they have

2. I'm scared of the thought of swallowing a simple pill.

3. I'm scared of the thought of someone giving me pity

4. I'm scared of the thought that one day, someone will know exactly what I'm thinking.

5. I'm scared of the thought, that I don't know what to think. 

6.I'm scared of the thought of  people reading my mind off of how I act or look. (Just like Gerard)

7. I'm scared to be alone.