50 Thoughts That Scare Me [Frerard]

'What do you mean if you grow up?' -Chapter 5

Gerard's family and I all sat at the big kitchen table. I picked at the salad in front of me, not feeling so hungry. Plus I always did have slight anxiety when I ate in front of people. Like they were secretly judging how much time it took me to chew up one bite of food.

"So, Frank, I understand you and Gerard will be going to school together?" Gerard's mom said after she took a sip of her water.

"Yeah, I'll be returning soon." I said without thinking that through thoroughly.

"Returning? What do you mean?" The whole family looked at me, ready for an explanation. I guess Gerard caught on to the nervousness that was obviously radiating off of me. I felt his hand grab mine and squeeze. That didn't help at all, it just made me even more nervous.

"I uh.. I have some problems with myself that I needed to take care of. Just some personal issues." I shrugged. "I will be returning in two days though." I added, finally taking a bite out of the salad. Everyone just nodded and continued to eat the food that was in front of them.

"Why don't you tell us about yourself Frank?" Gerard's dad spoke up. I swear I can't wait to get out of here. I hate explains myself to people. I'm just me, Frank Iero.

"I like music, I play guitar, and if I get older I want to play in a band." I said automatically. That's what I usually tell people when they do bother to associate with me. I never let anything too personal reach their ears.

"What do you mean if? Doesn't everyone grow up?" Mikey looked at me as if I was dumb. I held back the urge to tell him I indeed mean if, but I just shrugged again. "I meant when I grow up." I said without looking at anyone.

"Are you alright dear?" Gerard's mom spoke once again.

"Yeah, just a little sick. I should uh go home to take my medicine." I said and shuffled away from the table, scraping the left over salad in the trash can.

"I'll go with you." Gerard got up from his spot at the table and set his plate in the sink.

Before Gerard and I left the house I heard his mom mumble something that sounded like "He's already following him like a lost puppy." I bit my lip, what did she mean by that? Who did she mean by he? Gerard opened the door, letting me walk out first. I was relieved to be away from all the questions, constant glances, and Gerard's awkward way of trying to calm someone down. I shivered at the thought of human contact. Wow, I sound antisocial.

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"So, what kind of medicine do you take?" Gerard asked out of no where.

"Usually the kind that people force me to swallow." I said sarcastically with a slight chuckle.

"You know Frank, you're a mystery to me. You don't let much people in, do you?" I let Gerard's words sink in. I sat in front of him with a bottle of water in my hands as I searched for the right words to say. Of course what he said was true, but something about my mind was telling me to be on edge over what Gerard thinks and says. He's very extraordinary.

"I just met you. I don't let anyone in. Only my mom know's about me." I spoke, looking straight into his familiar eyes.

"Why? Why don't you let people in?" He furrowed his eyebrows and cocked his head to the side a tad bit.

"The thought of people giving me pity sickens me. One day I'll just be a memory, and everyone would have wasted their time on me, the scared, shy, kid." I finished. He nodded his head, knowing I didn't want to go on with the topic much longer.

I had already opened up enough to the strange boy who goes by the name Gerard. But he's not like all the others I see passing me by. No, everyone else puts off a sort of bland grey color, Gerard is like a bright rainbow. Not emotionally, he doesn't seem happy as much as I would like to see, but there's something about his personality that's comforting. It made me feel like I could tell him everything. Everything meaning, the cancer, the absence of my father, the thoughts, and the fears, but I know I can't do that. If I do, either I'll end up getting hurt or someone else will get hurt in the end.

"So what do you want to do now?" Gerard leaned back on the couch.

"I don't know about you, but I have to take my medicine, then I have to check in with my mom." I turned around and got my pills. You see I have to take my pills 2-3 times a day. It depends. I walked into the kitchen and grabbed the phone and dialed the familiar number.

"Hi mom, I'm alright." I said. I'm tired of telling people I'm alright, I'm clearly not alright. I have fucking cancer!

"That's wonderful hunny! Can you look and see when the next chemo appointment is?" She asked. She generally sounded relieved that I was okay.

I looked onto the fridge where we kept all the scheduled chemo appointment dates. "The next one is in 2 weeks. I gotta go now mom, I love you."

"I love you too." I smiled as she hung up. I'm glad I have her as a mother.

I walked back into the living room and gestured Gerard to follow me up the stairs. Gerard followed me as I pushed my bedroom door open. He walked in and smiled at all the posters that stuck to my wall.

"You were right. Our rooms are similar." He sat on a bean bag chair I had in the corner of the room. I sat on my bed, which was close by him.

"So, when is your mom going to be back?" He asked after a few minutes of comfortable silence.

"In a week. She has to come with me some where in 2 weeks. So she'll be home by then." I shrugged, not too worried about the subject.

"If she's not I can always go with you. You mean the school meetings and stuff right?" Gerard looked up into my eyes. I got an odd feeling, like I was getting dizzy and about to throw up, but it sort of felt good. Dammit, add that to the growing list of frightening things I hate.

"No, far from it actually. I probably won't be able to hang out for a few days after it." I admit, another thing I was scared of was someone seeing what I looked like while going through Chemo. I looked like I had walked through the depths of hell and died and became a ghost.

"Oh, why is that?" Gerard had a look of hurt on his face. It almost broke my heart, but then I remembered, you can't let people get to you. 

"It's hard to explain." I said, shrugging my shoulders. 

"No it's not. You just don't want to tell me." Gerard said sternly. 

"You're right. Because if I tell you, you'll turn into one of them. No one will look at me the same, and that's what fucking hurts!" I yelled, tears already started to form in my eyes. I laid down on my bed as I cried silently. But not too silently, because my crying was loud enough for Gerard to notice obviously. 

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1. I'm scared of the thought that people don't take time to realize what they have

2. I'm scared of the thought of swallowing a simple pill.

3. I'm scared of the thought of someone giving me pity

4. I'm scared of the thought that one day, someone will know exactly what I'm thinking.

5. I'm scared of the thought, that I don't know what to think. 

6.I'm scared of the thought of  people reading my mind off of how I act or look. (Just like Gerard)

7. I'm scared to be alone. 

8. I'm scared of the dizzy and noxious feeling I get. 

9. I'm scared of telling people personal things about myself. 

10. I'm scared of eating in front of people. They'll judge me.