Ready to Suffer, Ready to Hope *Matt Murdock* (book three of Damned-3b) x Arrow

8) Nothing else we can do (I may still have faith in you)

'Why are you here, Matt?'

Hundreds of words ran through his mind, neither of them the right ones. Why was he here? There was no simple answer to that question, but at the same time, there was. He wasn't surprised she talked to him. He always thought she had too much mercy, too much forgiveness for him, he had thought it even after she had run; he hadn't believed she would shut him down or shouted him out before he would even open his mouth. Still, it was a complete mystery if she still had enough of that mercy to actually accept his... apology? He wasn't sure himself. Why was he here?

"Because I love you," he answered, barely holding back a desperate chuckle, because this was ridiculous. What other reason could he have had to come here? Her already fast heartbeat sped up. "Because I want to be with you. I wish you would come back with me. Please, I... I don't want a yes— I mean... I do, but-- I want anything. I take 'maybe', I take 'probably no' over a 'no' any time. Please, Vera. I know I'm an idiot. And you deserve better-"

"Matt-" she interrupted him, voice plaintive, on edge of something he didn't know, which seemed impossible at this point; he knew her, he knew her voice better than his own, her heartbeat, so rarely lying, pure and once so close to becoming his. How much could change in just a few days...

"I know. You have a line of men waiting for you and maybe every single one of them has the potential to be better than me, not that it's that hard. I'm not sure what am I even trying to do here. But— please. I-"

"You know there's no line, Matt. That's bullshit, I'm barely a catch," she scoffed. "I'm lucky someone like you have ever— it's just.... I-- I still struggle sometimes with the fact that you possibly won't come back home to me some night. And now, knowing you would do it willingly? That's..."

Matt gulped at the words. Of course. He himself couldn't imagine her losing her – it went both ways. He was perfectly aware of the fact she had worried about him, every night; she hadn't even had to be dozing off on the couch as she had fallen asleep waiting for him every other night to prove it. Hell, her 'be careful' had been what had broken him and made him sunk to one knee in the middle of the night.

Jessica Jones' words echoed in his ears as well. 'For all I care she can be a house-wife. I'm just saying that I couldn't do that. And that you better appreciate what she's doing.'

'I do. Believe me, I do,' had been his response at the time. He had betrayed that when staying behind, only making it worse when he had promised her to work hard so she wouldn't lose him. He just fucked up so much. How could he even put into words how he felt about it? How sorry he was? How... afraid he had been? Matt didn't want to die. For all the faith he had, death scared him. His own. God forbid someone's close to his heart.

Focus. She said she was still struggling. Not using the past tense. Coincidence?

"I know. And I'm sorry for what I did, I don't— I don't know what I was thinking. I mean, I know. Elektra, she was with Stick when we met and I didn't know – Stick told me she left after she failed to get me join the Chaste. It was my fault they separated, hell, it was probably my fault they killed her and changed her into... into that thing. I needed to try it, to get through to her. She was my responsibility," he tried to explain heatedly, hoping she was not only hearing him, but also still listening despite mentioning Elektra. Judging by her breath hitching irregularly, she was. "But she wasn't the only one – and I fucked up. Just like that night when you were almost mugged, when they hurt you – I failed to get my priorities straight, again."

"Can't argue with that one. For some reason, your life is always at the bottom of the list," she hissed, crossing her arms. For someone who didn't know her, it might sound harsh, sly. But Matt knew the thin nuances in her voice, in her stance. She was scared for him. And obviously, she was hurting.