Meathead Monologue

what's a girl to do?

how does one live in self love and self loathing at the same time?
trying to ask such a thing to my marbled mind, and getting not an inkling of a response,
simply because i do not know how to console myself any longer.
if i wanted a hug i could have just asked one of my many friends,
who are always at my fingertips for their own reasons.
but what should a girl do when she needs a hug from her own body,
when her self loathing needs to be loved away, but the only person who can do so is herself?
what's a girl to do, then, when her own body won't love her?
no longer can she feel fulfillment from the adoration of her peers,
no longer can she feel content from the touches of her family.
so how should i ask myself?
how should i begin the conversation of asking myself out, to learn more about my mind and body, to come to terms with the withering soul beneath my breaking bones?
somebody, please tell me how to be one with my self love and self loathing.
somebody, please tell me how to accept a hug from my own shaking arms,
and not push myself away when crying is the only comfort i've come to understand.
please, tell me where i can go when every door around me shuts and locks on its own,
and no one will let me in or out.
how many times must i say please to convince you?
please.
tell me what to do.
tell me where to go.
tell me how to love my self loathing.
because any second longer in this body filled to the brim with disobedience will shut me down further.
any second longer will hinder my chance at survival in this world where every man for himself has become custom.
any second longer spent with me will become another second taken away from your precious life.
so, what's a girl to do?
what's a girl to do when she can sit in a pool of self love and self loathing, at the same time, and still not be able to strike a conversation to begin a compromise.
a compromise that would, in turn, spark the wheels of her marbled mind-allowing her to think for herself.
allowing her to think that it's possible to love the self loathing in time.

r.k.