Meathead Monologue

i should not be this lonely, but i am, so i cry about it

i see you
and i realize i miss it.
not you-
it.
and i begin to feel lonely all over again
because i know no one is
going to feel love for me any time soon.
no one is going to lace fingers with fingers
and walk proudly with a smile like the sun,
and touch my shoulders gingerly and tell me
i should cover up because it's cold,
and no one is going to look at my lips and
feel urged to kiss them over and over,
as if my lips are their oxygen mask and they cannot breath.
because it's cold out
and my lips are chapped
and i am alone.
i miss it. and i hate that i do.
i miss the warmth i could feel in the pit of my stomach and
the safety that would come along with it.
i miss feeling important, that's it.
now i get looks and i get shoves and i don't
feel
important.
that's okay for now, right?
i can't always be the star of my own life.
sometimes you just fall behind in the world, and you become last.
so it goes to say that i am feeling
very sad when
i see you.
don't worry, not because of you,
but because of me.
all because i don't know how to
just
be.

r.k.