Mask of Celibacy: A Multimedia Novella

11 ¦ Burn the Bridges

"I didn't ask her to do that.
She took that upon herself."

"Be that as it may,
I was reading a printout of your blog."

"And then you shared it with everyone."
Like a vindictive fool.

"No, Nicky ripped it out of my hands.
Refused to give it back.
Shoved me into the lockers and
Told me not to say a word."

If Bryan had told me that a few weeks ago, I would have laughed him off as a complete idiot. As it was, the jury was still out on the extent of his stupidity. But Nicky had shown me her true colors that day when I'd told her about my asexuality. Now I wasn't sure I'd put it past her.

"Why the hell would she do that?"

"When are you going to understand
That Nicky isn't your friend?
She isn't a nice person."

"It doesn't make any sense."

"She's always after attention:
Anything that makes it seem
Like she knows the inside scoop.
I swear she'll be a journalist someday."

"If you didn't want to spread it,
why did you bring a copy to school?"

"I spent all night reading it.
I needed to figure out why
You wanted to stay celibate."

"Because it's my nature, Bryan."

"I know that now..."

"Why didn't we just stay friends?
We could have discussed this like adults."

"I did ask, but you always deflected
My questions. Of course, I thought
Our relationship was the problem."

My hands turned clammy and cold. He had a point. Anytime he'd asked me about taking things further, I'd gotten my panties up in a bunch and refused to engage. Because I hadn't known what to say.

"I didn't understand it back then either."

"It's okay, Jess. Neither of us did.
I kept reading your blog, you know.
These past few weeks, I finally get it.
That asexuality stuff, it makes sense."

My stomach plummeted like I'd ridden the world's craziest emotional roller coaster. I'd had every intention of telling him to go to hell. But I'd never expected him to empathize with me.

Was it all an elaborate scheme to win me back?

"That's why I want to be friends now.
I realized it wasn't about me. Or us.
Or the strength of our relationship.
You just aren't made that way."

"That's what I was trying to tell you."

"Sorry. Really, Jess, I am.
It was a dumb thing to do.
But I didn't spread those rumors.
I fucked up, but not that royally."

Bryan hardly ever swore. His family had forbidden it in the house, and he considered it classless. The fact that he'd lost his filters meant he was genuinely upset.

"Hmm..."

"You're not hanging around with Nicky now.
If we were going to be friends,
I didn't want to be chummy with her."

Yeah...

"After you'd had that fight,
Nicky changed her tune about you.
Called us 'the fag and the freak.'"

At least that much was true. Not only had Nicky given me the cold shoulder, but I'd heard the whispers circling the halls thanks to her.

"She never used to be like that.
What the hell is wrong with her?"

"Yes, she was like that, Jess.
Nicky showed you her good side
Because you guys were friends,
But she bullies everyone else."

The hair stood up on the back of my neck. I could see what he was doing. We were bonding over a mutual enemy. This crap happened all the time in human relationships--from crazy exes to international relations--and I couldn't stomach that kind of drama.

If Bryan wanted to base our relationship on mutual disdain over a third party, that didn't bode well for a healthy relationship. We needed common ground if we had any hope of rekindling a real connection.

"Fine, enough about Nicky.
We all know she's a bitch.
You wanted to ask me something?"

Another long pause. Another long exhale.

"I know we can't be what we were, Jess."

"No, we can't."

"Yeah, I'm not an idiot.
But I miss our movie and gaming nights.
Just hanging out as friends."

"I don't know...What do they say
about exes hanging out?"

"I thought this wasn't an episode of Friends?"

"Touché."

"I want to turn the clock back.
Forget this misunderstanding
And go back to being friends."

"This isn't about prom?
And your recent lack of a date?"

"I don't give a shit about prom, Jess.
I just want you back in my life."

Ugh, why does this kid have to make things sound so reasonable?

On the one hand, I also longed to have the movie nights and game nights of old. I missed snuggling on the sofa with a giant bowl of popcorn and laughing together. Playing board games while buzzing out on caffeine until two in the morning.

On the other hand, I knew those magical moments had gone. My confusing sexuality hadn't just been about sex. It had shown us that I hadn't felt comfortable enough to discuss the matter with him. And he hadn't had the patience or understanding to explore it with me either.

Soon he'd be going off to college, possibly halfway across the country, and I'd probably be stuck at Fitchburg State unless I'd got the scholarships I needed. Long distance relationships sucked.

And let's face it, if I gave him another chance, it would slide back into romance.

There is no future for us.

And yet that prospect made my heart sink into my stomach. My insides clenched in protest. I didn't want to lose my best friend for good, and yet that part of my life was undoubtedly over.

None of this had to happen, but it did. And we can't change it now.

"I'm sorry, Bryan.
I can't turn the clocks back."

"You can't?"

"No...It'd be awkward and strange."

"Just give it time.
I'm cool with the asexuality. I swear.
I can still make you happy. I promise."

"The boundaries will be blurred.
You're already talking like a boyfriend,
not a friend. The past will haunt us.
You need a fresh start, and so do I."

"Damn it, Jess.
Please don't do this."

"I'm sorry, but I have to go."

"No! Wait!"

"Good bye, Bryan."

I hung up without another word.

A sense of elation swept over me like an eagle soaring in the wind. A heavy weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I'd done the right thing. Even though it was arguably one of the hardest things I'd ever done.

But it still hurt like hell.