You make me ache

Ch40: Relentless longing and Gentle tears.

During my walk my exhausted body seems to have slowed, my heart beat steady and my muscles limp, and I am grateful for the change of pace compared to when I fell prey to my angered tears back on Korey's sofa.  My thoughts remain confused and hurt, but they alike to my body have changed to a slower pace and I know that my exhaustion is now the biggest obstacle preventing me from making sense of them. The closer I get to mine and Troye's apartment building, the more nervous I begin to feel and as I reach the front door, I have to take in another deep breathe, in the hope that the fresh air will soothe my nerves in the same way that it has softened my aching head. Reminding myself that expressing and discussing my thoughts can wait until the morning, I pluck up the courage to enter the building.

The silence that fills the flat is a painful reminder that Troye is hurting- usually he would be playing music and the lack of sound informs me that he too must be spending the night struggling with aching thoughts. I am surprised that he doesn't hear my key in the door lock, but I am glad that he is still unaware of my presence as it gives me a moment longer to try and keep myself composed. Softly, I close the front door behind me and hearing it lock automatically, I slip off my shoes whilst staring at the bedroom door that I know Troye must be behind. I creep across the carpeted floor, cautiously trying to be quiet despite knowing that I am only seconds away from announcing my arrival to my man.

As I reach the white wooden door, I clasp the silver handle but then I think better of it and instead I raise my hand into a fist and gently knock the hard surface. My eyes close and my heart breaks as I hear Troye call my name. His voice sounds desperate and shocked, and despite still not wanting to talk, I am glad that I have returned to him tonight. Opening my eyes again, I open the door and enter the room. My gaze finds Troye stood by the dresser with something in his hands. Immediately his hurt is evident- he looks drained with his lips and eyes raw and puffy, and his skin is almost ghostly.

"Hi" I whisper as I stand awkwardly looking at him, unsure of what to do or say next.

"Tyler, you came home" he shakily replies and with this comes a wave of tears down his paled face. The sight of his tears ignites my instincts and before I realise what I am doing, I find myself wrapping his slight frame into my body. Instantly, he meets my embrace and drops what was in his hands to the floor. As our bodies entwine, we stay rooted the spot, my body shaking with his sobs. I try to whisper soothing hushes to him, but his display of emotion awakens my own and soon his shoulder is absorbing my salty tears.

After a few minutes, our anguished sobs begin to settle into near silent sniffles, and I release him from my body. My eyes fall to the floor and I see what he has dropped. Bending down, I pick up the white envelope and ask him what it is.

"It's for you. I didn't think you would want to talk to me so I wrote something instead. It was before I spoke to Zoe and I didn't know what to else to do" he says as I study the writing inscribed on the front- 'For when you hate me'. I sigh, this is one 'For when' note that I never wanted to receive.

"Troye I could never hate you. I love you" I tell him. His eyes widen and he whimpers slightly as he hears my whispered 'I love you'. Tenderly, I thumb his prominent cheek bone with my spare hand. His body quivers slightly under my touch, making me yearn to take away his fear of our shared hurt.

"I know but sometimes you can hate someone even when you love them" he mumbles, unable to meet my gaze with his.

"I could never hate you" I repeat my voice sounding as shaky as his, despite my unwavering confidence in the belief of my words.  I move away from Troye to place the envelope on the dresser.

"Aren't you going to read it?" he asks, his expression etched with confusion as he rubs his heavy eyes.

"Maybe, but not now. I don't want to talk tonight"