Legion of Lawndale Heroes v1

4.7 - Pound of Flesh

LLH 4.7 - Pound of Flesh

It had been a great day in school for Upchuck.

The best part of the day was when he was walking down the hall, and the snobbish Tracy was walking in the other direction. As they passed, Tracy said, "Hey Upchuck! I heard that your nickname is 'Magic Johnson'!"

With that, he could have beaten the world and had more for seconds. A pity that the effects of whatever had happened in the gym seemed to have worn off. The Pride of the Ruttheimers had resumed its appropriate size when he came home the previous evening. However, with some extra manipulation...BA-ZING!

With his homework easily squared away (he spent no more than an hour on it each day, using his powers of memorization to get him past taking notes), he returned to his reason for living -- the Internet. While surfing the James Bond Message Boards, his enthusiasm for "On Her Majesty's Secret Service" reasserted himself and for once, he clicked off the Internet for the night and settled down to watch the movie in his room. With the door locked, because Diana Rigg was the Bond girl.

Upchuck was not much to look at in the real world, but on the Internet, he was a demon, shooting down ridiculous arguments with ease, the Red Baron of the message boards. The discussion he had recently read regarded the replacement of Sean Connery by George Lazenby in the Bond series. Lazenby had let the role go to his head and the resulting ego clashes meant that Sean Connery would be replacing Lazenby in "Diamonds are Forever", the final film by an out-of-shape Connery as Bond and in Upchuck's mind, not a good film.

Of course, the worth of Lazenby had been argued many times, and veterans like Upchuck had the ammo stocked and ready. A newbie spoke disparagingly of the fact that Lazenby had no acting experience, being an Australian model, and more or less lied his way into the part by telling the producers that he had the requisite experience.

Upchuck turned this argument on its head, making it a strength instead of the weakness that DaltonIs007 wanted it to be. Didn't the fact that Lazenby had bluffed his way into the part prove that he was a great actor? After launching the devastating post, and while waiting for DaltonIs007 to feebly fire back, Upchuck would fire up the ol' DVD.

He zoomed through the exposition sections, choosing instead the scene where the skiers chase Bond/Lazenby. Upchuck loved the stuntwork and many Bond fans thought that OHMSS had the best stunts.

And of course, Upchuck knew every line. He identified with James Bond. That was the kind of person he wanted to be. Suave with the ladies, always having the right line, great fighter, great lover, the kind of person every man wanted to be friends with and every woman wanted to make love to.

In his boxer shorts, Upchuck stood up and pantomimed the actions of Bond/Lazenby on screen. He watched as the bad guys, on skis, chased Bond down a mountain.

One of the bad guys ended up slamming into a snow blower, and Upchuck watched as the red snow came out of the blower.

"He had a lot of guts!" said Bond/Lazenby.