You make me ache

Ch39: Hints and Bed Sheets.

Deliberately torturing myself further, I pick up a t-shirt that Tyler had worn earlier today and as it slips over my drained body, his familiar smell burns my aching heart. I yearn to rewind our day and find myself slipped between the crisp, cool sheets with my gorgeous man where I can both tell him and show him how much I need him. I imagine him lying beneath me, his skin damp and salty and his sparkling eyes dark. I can almost taste his sweet mouth as I visualise melting our smiles into kisses and the thought of running his soft blonde locks between my fingers is almost too much for me to process. My stomach dips with longing and my muscles feel heavy with anguish.

"Troye?" I hear Zoe call from the laptop, forcing me to snap out of my daydream and remember her presence. I stop scrunching the neck of the soft fabric and inhaling my favourite smell, and instead I return to the bed to begin what is likely to be a long and painful conversation with my sweet friend. I can only hope that she can help me make some sense of the mess I have created tonight.

My forlorn expression lifts into a meek smile as Zoe explains that Tyler called her purely so that she would check on me. Her words make me realise that although he is avoiding me, he clearly still cares and this gives me a shred of hope that the heartbreak I have caused him may not have turned him against me. However as I think this over, I also realise that this was a ridiculous worry- Tyler loves me, that couldn't change because of my confusing and hurtful behaviour tonight. With this knowledge, I allow myself to lift Tyler's t-shirt over my nose and this time as I breathe in his intoxicating smell, I am glad that I am addicted.  However as Zoe continues to explain her confusion, stating that Tyler did not venture into any details, I lose my sliver of a smile knowing that I will have to relay the chaotic night to her.

Lifting my knees to my chest, I bundle the thick duvet around my back and across my front until I feel like I am being smothered in a much needed hug and with this calming comfort I begin to talk Zoe through Tyler's romantic proposal and my hideous reply. Although clearly tired, still in her pyjamas and her eyes sleepy with no makeup, Zoe patiently sits and listens with a focused intensity. Each time I falter at how to say the next part, she gives me a small but encouraging smile and each time a stray tear dances along my pale cheeks, she whispers soothing words to me. However as I tell her everything she does not seem surprised and this adds to my confusion. Tyler's proposal had shocked me entirely, yet Zoe's expression remains calm as if she had expected it.

When I reach the end of my story, I palm my hands into my eyes and the slight pressure causes an uncomfortable sensation that pushes out what I hope to be the last of my tears.  Zoe gives me a minute to collect myself and once more I am grateful for her sympathetic understanding. I cannot help but think that it would be so easy for her to despise me right now- I despise myself- yet she remains sweet and concerned towards me despite the pain I have caused Tyler. Still baffled by her collected and calm presence, I find myself questioning it,

"Did you know he was proposing?"

"No..." she says hesitantly before continuing "but me and Alf had guessed it was coming- we just didn't know when or for sure"

"How? How did you guess? I had no idea"

"It seemed sort of inevitable, especially with the long distance. Remember it was only a month or so ago that I suggested you guys get married" she replies softly, fiddling with the end of her long plaited hair.

"Yeah but you were joking" I say, recalling our intimate conversation in Brighton.

"Sort of... I know you said you were too young anyway"

"It's not just my age.  I don't believe people should get married just for a green card"

"Tyler would never propose solely for that reason. You love each other, anyone can see that. Plus it's not just the visa thing that made me think it was coming."