Slip
Nagpadala ako ng bulaklak sa office niya. I wonder kung ano ang reaction niya pagkakita ng bouquet sa table niya.
Hinintay ko siya hanggang sa matapos ang office hours nila. Nung makita ko na siyang palabas, I waved at her and said hi. And she literally took my breath away when she smiled. Hindi ko alam kung napansin niyang napatulala ako sa kanya.
“Hi! What brought you here?” Nakangiti pa din siya.
“I believe you owe me a dinner.” Nakita kong tumaas ang kilay niya.
“I can’t remember owing you one.” There’s amusement in her eyes and hindi ko napigilan ang tumawa. I was so glad na masaya siya ngayon. And I hope ako ang dahilan kaya sumaya siya ng ganyan. And her aura is contagious.
“Believe it or not but you do.” Tapos iginiya ko na siya at pinasakay sa passenger seat ng kotse ko. I brought her to a restaurant.
Nakita kong medyo nailang siya but I assured her that’s it’s perfectly fine. She would be perfect in any place kahit ano pa ang suot niya.
“Don’t mind that. Gusto ko lang gawin ang mga bagay na hindi ko nagawa dati.” Nakita kong nagulat siya sa sinabi ko. I slipped.
“Is there something wrong.” Be very careful John. Alam mo kung gaano katalino si Angela. Kinakabahan ako sa maaring sabihin niya.
“You could speak tagalog?” Doon ako nakahinga ng maluwag.
“Of course I do. What made you think that I don’t speak or understand tagalog?”
“Because you never speak tagalog eversince. Or I never heard you speak tagalog. “ As usual. Very very observant. Kaya kailangan kong mag ingat pag kasama ko siya.
“I didn’t? I’m sorry. I’m just so used to speaking english with my colleagues . But I do speak and understand tagalog.” Gusto kong matawa sa sarili ko. I’m supposed to be John Summers and now I’m speaking tagalog in front of her. How stupid can I get?
Kinuha na namin ang order namin and we talked basic stuffs. I enjoyed watching her eat. Kung pwede pa lang bantayan ko ang pagkain niya ginawa ko na. She’d lost a lot of weight. Hindi ko alam na magiging ganito ang epekto ko sa kanya. Na halos ikamatay din niya ang pagkawala ko.
“What is Johann like?” I blurted out before I could stop myself. Subconciously, gusto kong malaman kung ano ang tingin niya sa akin. But pinagsisihan ko ang tanong na iyon because the moment she heard Johann’s name, the smile on her lips faded.
“It’s okay if you don’t answer that. I’m just curious, they way he had an effect on you. He must be really something.” John, can you please stop being stupid when you’re in front of her?
“Yes…he is something. He was my first…everything.” There! You heard it. Are you happy now?
Different emotions are reflected in her face. Napakaswerte ko na ako ang minahal mo Angela. You are a very brave woman and right now, I am no longer sure If I really deserve someone like you.
Yumuko siya at stared at her food.
“Wow! You must have loved him very much.” Oo gusto kong marinig sa kanya. Call me selfish but I wanted to hear her say that word. Pero hindi ang inaasahan ko ang sinabi niya.
“I don’t think I showed him how much I love him. I’ve been very selfish throughout our relationship and that’s my biggest mistake. And I’ve practically drove him to his death.” Hindi ako makapaniwala sa sinabi niya. Hindi ako makapaniwala na yun ang iniisip niya. Nagagalit ako na yun ang iniisip niya. Yan ba ang dahilan kung bakit siya nagkakaganito? Na sa tingin niya siya ang dahilan kung bakit ako namatay?
I wanted to shake her to make her see some sense.
“Don’t say that!” Hindi ko napigilan na tumaas ang boses ko. Napatingin niya sa akin. Kinontrol ko ang emosyon ko.
“I mean, don’t blame yourself for something you didn’t do.” Be calm John. Remember that you don’t know anything about her past. But damn it! Mali ang iniisip niya.
“If I just accepted him that day, he wouldn’t have died. He wouldn’t have…” Damn… Hindi ko hahayaang sisihin niya ang sarili niya ng ganyan.
“Stop it Angela, it’s not your fault. You have nothing to do with…” my accident. I almost blurted out but thank god I was able to stop myself. “his accident. It’s not your fault. Stop blaming yourself!” Sa tingin niya, dahil sa pagtanggi niyang magpakasal kaya naaksidente ako? She really think that I would give up that easily? Yes, I almost did, pero dapat alam niyang hindi ko siya kayang bitawan ng ganun ganun na lang.
“You don’t know what happened that day!” I know what happened that day Angel. Tiningnan niya ako ng masama. Nag iwas ako ng tingin. Baka hindi ko makayanan at masabi ko sa kanya ang lahat.
“You don’t know either what happened that day. So unless you knew everything, you cannot put all the blame on yourself. So clear your conscience.” Dahil ayaw ko nang marinig na sinisisi mo pa ang sarili mo sa nangyaring yun.
“You don’t really have to do all this John. You don’t have to say all those things top me John. You don’t have to say all those things to make me feel better. I appreciate everything that you are doing.”
“ I am not saying those things to make you feel better. I am not doing all these to make you feel better either.” It’s more than that Angel. It’s more than that. I am saying and doing all these things because I love you.
“It just hurts me a lot when you’re suffering like this.”
A whole lot.
