Chapter 7.Conviction
I prepared our dinner at hindi ko siya hinayaang gumawa ng kahit ano. This is not the first time na pumasok ako sa apartment niya. I once surveyed the whole place to make sure that she will be safe here.
I opened her cabinet to check on something like hidden cameras or any surveillance devices. Katulad pa din siya noong college kami. She is very organized in all her things. Pati ba naman sa mga condiments may label pa.
Siya na ang nag ayos ng mesa pagkatapos kong magluto. Alam kong ang awkward ng situation lalo na at parang pinilit ko lang siya para pauntahin ako dito.
“Aren’t you lonely here? You don’t have a housemate right?” Ayaw ko siyang nag iisa. Hindi ko siya mababantayan oras oras kaya sana may kasama man lang siya dito.
“I was used to being alone that having a housemate feels strange.” Yan ang inaakala mo Angela. I pretended to have chuckled but I can’t help myself from looking at her. Hindi siya tumitingin sa akin and the atmosphere is becoming awkward.
I tried to strike a conversation, commenting about the interior of her apartment. I pointed to her na madami ang nangangailangan sa kanya na hindi nagtatapos ang buhay niya. That she have to move on. At hindi ko hahayaang pabayaan niya ang sarili niya dahil sa akin.
“It’s not as easy as it seems John.” Yumuko siya pagkasabi niya nun. Gustong gusto ko siyang yakapin. I wanted to comfort her. To tell that it’s okay pero hindi ko magawa. He loneliness, her suffering, nararamdaman ko ang sakit na nararamdaman niya.
“Why?” I don’t know why I ask that gayung alam ko naman na ang dahilan. To pretend that I don’t know anything?
But her answer caught me off guard. Her answer is like a dagger that pierce directly to my heart. Hindi ko napaghandaan ang sakit ng sinabi niya. Masakit na malaman sa ibang tao pero mas masakit na malaman sa ina ng anak mo.
“I lost the only thing that he’d left me. I lost our baby the day he died.” Her voice is almost a whisper. Na parang pinipigilan niyang umiyak. But her eyes betrayed her as a pool of tears threaten to fall down her eyes. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko at nakatingin lang ako sa kanya. Naninikip ang dibdib ko and nag iinit ang sulok ng mata ko.
I tried hard to control my emotions and brush any tears are are only starting to form. Pinigilan ko ang sarili ko na lapitan siya para yakapin. Gusto kong humingi ng tawad sa kanya. Gusto kong alisin ang lahat ng sakit na nararamdaman niya.
“I am very sorry to hear that.” Indeed I am very sorry. I’m very sorry sa mga sakit na binigay ko sayo Angela.
We finished our dinner in an awkward silence. I didn’t attempt to strike another conversation kasi hindi ko rin alam kung mapipigilan ko pa ba ang emosyon ko pag nakipag usap ako sa kanya. Pagkatapos kumain nagpaalam na ako sa kanya at dumiretso sa headquarters namin.
The moment I enter the headquarters pinatawag ako ng superior namin.
“Summers, you are putting her life in danger. If you want to keep her safe, stay away from her. She’s being followed and you know that. If you can’t control yourself if you won’t stay away from her then you have to be prepared in facing the consequences of your actions.” Alam kong disappointed siya sa ginagawa ko. Napag usapan na wala dapat makakakilala kung sino ako. Hindi basta basta ang nakabangga ko.
“They won’t touch her for as long as they believe that I’ve died.”
“Let’s hope that they won’t discover. Be careful John. I know how you feel towards her but your safety, hers and your family is at stake here. Don’t let your emotions cloud your judgement. It’s either you stay away from her or risk her life by staying with her.” Tapos tumalikod na siya.
Napabuntunghininga ako.
At this moment, isang bagay lang ang sigurado ako.
Hindi ko siya pwedeng iwan.
Hindi ko siya pwedeng pabayaan.
I can’t stay away from her.
