You make me ache

Ch37: Happy Couples and Roots.

"I... I don't know what to say" I murmur in a voice that does not sound like my own. My face contorts as I process the words I didn't know I was saying and the scratchiness of the voice that emitted them.

"What do you mean?" he whispers back, his words as cracked as mine. He takes a step backwards as he speaks and as the gap between us grows, I am unwilling to lose contact and I keep my hands stretched out and latched onto his hips.

"You're proposing to me? You want to marry me?" I say, my tone questioning as my brain still fails to fully process the words etched into the tree beside us.

"Yes. I want to marry you Troye, but..." he says, before pausing to compose himself, "but do you want to marry me?" He pauses again and his fingers drift to mine, removing me from his hips and lacing us together. With our hands hovering between us, he suddenly speaks again, "Troye, marry me?" His tone is both questioning and pleading, and my heart aches at his intense desperation.

 "I want to marry you Tyler" I reply and it takes less than a second for him to pull me into him and as he presses an unmoving but hard kiss to my lips, I feel his now spilling tears wet my cheek. I still and let him kiss me, my hands finding his face to keep him connected to me. I do this hoping to pro-long our moment and delay the less savoury one that I know I have to bring to us next. My stomach feels weighted with dread and my limbs heavy with fear but our kiss brings my heart a sense of lightness. As Tyler's lips break, I move mine to him, kissing him forcefully, still unwilling to say my next words and desperate to keep my heart happy even if it is only momentarily.

With our kiss reluctantly ending, Tyler's expression is bright with his smile wide and his eyes merry once more. The sight instantly allows the heavy feeling that consumes my body to take over and with it the weight depresses my heart, sinking it to my stomach. I take in a deep breath and silently hope that my voice has enough strength to carry out my next words. Cowardly, I have to close my eyes and block out Tyler's expression because I know that I am not strong enough to cope with the reaction he is likely to have.  I take his hands into mine and give him a gentle squeeze- one that I senselessly hope will be enough to soothe him as I speak. I open my mouth and my words tumble out slowly and painfully,

"I want to marry you one day".

Tyler's returning grip on my hands becomes weak but I cling to him urgently, wanting him to understand that I still need him.

"Look at me" he pleads and I oblige, whimpering as I take in his confused expression. " Troye, I don't understand. Are you saying yes or no?"

"I'm saying yes to one day" I reply, immediately hating myself for the hurt that my words throw at Tyler. I blink back tears as I realise what should be a magical and unforgettable moment is instead agonising and although it is unforgettable, it is only that for all the wrong reasons. I want to take this all back and rewind to relaxing at the beach where none of this pain existed, but I know that is impossible and that I have to face up to this torturous moment.

"Yes to one day?" he asks, still confused and as my eyes flicker around our public surroundings I'm even more hesitant to continue our conversation.

 "Ty we should go home and talk about this".

"No. I don't understand. What is there to talk about? You either want to marry me or you don't. It's that easy. When is one day?" he demands, his tone now heated to match the storm of hurt and anger that is quickly brewing in his eyes. His hands drop mine as if my touch scolds him and when I reach out to stroke his arm, he steps away as if we are the same poles of a magnet intently avoiding a connection. His tears have dried but my own are spilling silently and I cannot think of a way to stop them.