Dear Universe, ✔

15.

"So you're dating him now?" Fieldan flips through a rack of sweaters, trying to find one for her mom, but so far having no luck. The two of us are currently at the mall shopping for Christmas gifts and I had just finished telling her about my kiss with Ian. 

Fieldan was with Nate on Sunday and I had spent the entire day with Ian in Pleasant View visiting his mom, so I hadn't had the chance to talk to her until today after school. It didn't feel like the type of conversation to have between classes, so I invited her to go to the mall with me since there was no cheer practice today - which was a huge surprise. 

"I mean, he's not my boyfriend, but I guess we're kind of dating." Ian and I didn't talk about labels or anything yesterday, instead we just enjoyed the fact that we were being open about how we feel. He held my hand, he kissed me and I kissed him, we flirted - it was great and it felt right. 

"Okay." Fieldan turns away from me and starts searching through more sweaters. This is weird, I thought she would be happy that I was opening up to someone and starting to be a little more like my old self. Fieldan never pushed me to get over my grief or talk about things I didn't want to talk about, but maybe she was holding things back these past few months. 

"Field?" I walk around the fixture that was separating us. 

"Yes?" Fieldan has never been one to bite her tongue or hold in her opinion just to spare someones feelings, and the fact that she's obviously doing that now really bothers me. 

"Just say what you want to say." I brace myself, trying to keep my face blank so that she doesn't find a reason to hold back any longer. 

She sighs and hangs the shirt in her hand back on the sales rack before turning and looking me in the face, watching and studying for a weak spot, something to tell her I can't handle her being harsh right now. "Are you serious about Ian?"

To say her question surprised me would be an understatement. "What?" 

"I mean, do you actually like him or are you just using him because he's new and has no strings attached to your past?"

I can feel the anger building inside of me. "Do you really think I would use someone?" 

We've been friends since we were kids and it hurts to think that my best friend thinks so lowly of me. I would never use someone, especially not Ian. I can see regret in Fieldan's eyes when she realizes how her words sounded. 

"Shit, I didn't mean it like that, Annie. I just...I don't want Ian to get hurt if you don't feel the same about him as he does you." 

"I do." There was no hesitation or doubt in my voice, I knew for a fact that I wasn't using Ian as a distraction or a get away from my old life. 

"What about Drew?" 

"What about him?"

"Are you sure you're over him? You broke up kind of suddenly and you were in a bad place back then." 

I had been over any feelings I had for Drew long before we broke up, and I thought that I had expressed that to Fieldan the night I spent crying and throwing things around her bedroom as we discussed why ending things with Drew was for the best. She has a point though, I was in a bad place back then. What Fieldan doesn't know, or doesn't seem to fully understand though, is that Ian makes all that darkness fade away and makes me feel like things are better - even if it is only for a little while. 

"I'm sure. I've never felt the way I feel with Ian, Field. Not with Drew, not with Garrett that one time at Harper's party, no one. This is different, he's different."

A smile finally breaks Fieldan's  stern expression and the mood becomes lighter and less tense. "Annie, you're blushing." 

I raise my hands to my face and can feel the heat radiating from my cheeks. We both start laughing and Fieldan grabs my hand, "Annie, I wasn't trying to say you were a bad person or anything. I just want to make sure that Ian doesn't get hurt in this. He really likes you, I could tell he liked you months ago and even though I think he's a little odd and we don't really talk, he's a good guy."