Dear Universe, ✔

13.

"I had a brother...he died." I could already feel the tears burning as the began to form in my eyes, hot and heavy. 

He pulls me closer and I bury my head in his chest for a moment, trying to gather myself so that I can follow through with this. 

"Annie, we don't have to talk about this if you don't want to." 

I shake my head and tilt my head so that I'm no longer hiding my face and he can hear me when I speak. "I want to tell you. I think I need to tell you." 

"Okay. Just don't feel like you have to, not for me, do this for you Annie." 

I pull myself out of his arms and sit up, hugging my knees to my chest. I nod my head, his words further proof that he's deserving of my trust. 

"His name is River and he was seven years old." I begin. Ian sits up straight, leaning his back against his headboard. "River loved baseball, he had stats memorized and would talk about players and teams all day long. He was obsessed and he looked forward to his little league practice every day." I squeeze my eyes shut, fighting back tears and Ian takes my hands in his. 

"I was driving him to practice one day last spring and...and he was going on and on about how he was going to introduce me to all of his friends and he was going to hit a home run just for me...he was so happy and excited. You should have seen him, Ian, he wore his little uniform with so much pride and he was always so anxious to play that he would wear his glove even when we were in the car." 

I couldn't hold back my tears anymore, they're falling freely down my face as I remember how happy River looked just moments before he was torn away from me. 

Ian stays silent as I take a break to wipe my eyes and calm down. I don't look at him, I can't until I've finished the story or I will totally lose it. "I was looking back at him in my rear view mirror, I was asking him where he wanted to go get ice cream after practice and...and I wasn't paying attention to the road, so I didn't see the car run through the light and driving on the wrong side of the road. The hit us head on and the passenger side took most of the hit so I was fine, but then another car didn't hit the breaks quick enough or swerve so they hit River's side of the car and...and he was...he didn't..." I was gone, I was back in that car at that intersection with my little brother unresponsive as I screamed his name. I was past crying, I was sobbing and my entire body was trembling while I choked on my own breath. 

Ian crushed me to him, his arms wrapped around me so tightly that it hurt but I didn't dare move away from him. I needed him to hold me together right now, I needed him to pull me back to the present. I needed him.

There was more, there's so much more that I need to tell him, but I don't know if I can, I don't know if I can handle it. My heart feels like it's breaking all over again, but that can't be true because my heart hasn't been whole since River left me. 

When my breathing steadies and my tears slow, I finally look at his face. He's looking at me carefully, like he's trying to piece pieces of a puzzle together and also like he's afraid of saying something that will set me off again. His eyes search mine and he raises his hand to wipe away the trail of tears, and he gives me a soft smile that makes my heart flutter - just like the first time he smiled at me, back when we were strangers talking about superheroes. Now look at us, telling each other our tragic stories and having emotional breakdowns. 

"He sounds like he was a great kid, Annie. I bet he loved you a lot." 

I can't believe how perfect he is and I can't handle how he's looking at me right now - like he can see right through me and likes what he sees. I'm so lost in my thoughts about him that I don't realize how close his face is to mine until our noses are about to touch. 

His eyes are glued to mine, like he's afraid I'm going to run away again, but I'm not going to - not this time. I'm tired of fighting this, I'm ready to give it a try and risk everything for something that I know could be great. 

Just as his lips are about to brush mine, my phone rings and I jump at the sound, ruining the moment. Ian pulls back and I reach for my phone, only to see my mom's name on the caller I.D, which kills any and all joy I just had. I decline her call and turn my phone off. Ian is looking at me questioningly and I realize that I hadn't even told him the rest of the story about why I came here in the first place. 

"My mom donating River's stuff isn't why I was so upset." I explain. 

"Then why were you?" 

"I woke up to the sound of my mom dragging a box past my bedroom and when I asked her what she was doing she ignored me and walked back to River's room. She was getting rid of everything, Ian. She was just throwing everything into boxes and carrying the out to her car to donate. There's stuff in there that he made, that he valued, that were River and she's just throwing him out. I told her that I wanted to keep some stuff and that we shouldn't just throw everything out and she...she got so mad at me, she started yelling and throwing stuff, it was like she was a different person."

"What did you do?"

"She said some pretty hurtful things and she was acting so insane that I just ran. I got in my car and came here...to you." 

Ian opens his mouth to say something just as there's a knock on his bedroom door. We share a look before he calls out "Come in" and Fieldan pushes open the door. 

"Hey, I saw your car in the driveway, can we- Are you okay?" Fieldan's eyes widen and I can only imagine how bad I look now, having cried a few more times since I got here and after Ian has no doubt made my hair stick out in all directions. 

I wipe at my eyes, "Yeah, I'm fine." 

I look back at Ian, and he gives me a smile, "We'll talk more later. Go fill her in." 

Again, I can't believe he is so perfect and always able to tell what I'm thinking or what I need. Fieldan doesn't miss the look that Ian and I share, and as soon as we're in her bedroom she closes the door and turns to me.

"Okay, first you're going to tell me why you're so upset and then after that you're going to tell me what the hell is going on between you and Ian, because I don't buy that we're just friends crap anymore. Not after that look and how close you were sitting."