A One-Off?

6 - Opening Up

Ant never cried, at least not to Dec's knowledge. He could count on one hand the times he had seen his boyfriend cry. So Declan was shocked. Above all, he was shocked that Ant thought like that. And he only felt guiltier now. He had certainly been occupied with himself too much and hadn't thought about the effect this would have on Ant.

He moved closer to his boyfriend who had his head buried in his hands, quiet sniffles escaping his frame. Dec put an arm around Ant and made him look at him with that.

"Of course I do" Dec said with all his heart.

"But you..." Ant started and sniffed, took a deep breath and tried again. "You were so distant and I thought, well... I don't know, I thought that maybe I am the problem, that maybe you don't feel attracted to me anymore, that I am not good enough and I tried to... to do everything the right way and to show you that I love you and you did... nothing really... Dec, do you still fancy me?"

Dec stared at Ant in absolute disbelief. Never in a million years had he thought that Ant had had such thoughts over the last weeks. He was always strong, didn't let on, was always loving and caring, had pampered Dec, had told him he loved him every day. All those things. And all those things he had done out of insecurity?

"I am so sorry" Dec said and then he couldn't hold back anymore and he started to cry as well. Immediately, Ant switched back into caring mode and put his arms around Dec and rubbed his back.

"Why didn't you talk to me?" Ant asked desperately. "I felt so distant from you. Dec, that's not like us."

"I know" Dec sobbed against Ant's shirt. "It's just... I don't know... I don't know what's wrong with me and it freaks me out... I love you, gosh I do. And of course I fancy you! But my body is broken or something."

Ant didn't know why but he had to chuckle at that and he was glad that Dec giggled along a bit. The tension was easing between them and they both dried their eyes and started to have a serious talk.

"You now tell me exactly how you feel, I want to know everything" Ant said lovingly and took Dec's hand in his.

Dec nodded and then he started to talk. "When it first happened, I freaked out, yes. But I thought and hoped it was a one-off, so I thought I'd just try again."

Ant nodded understandingly. So he hadn't been wrong about his assessment that Dec really had wanted to have sex with him. A little bit of guilt washed away from him and he squeezed Dec's hand to encourage him to speak on.

"When it still didn't work I felt like failure" Dec added and lowered his head. "And I know I shouldn't have but I couldn't help it. Well, you know me... I am one to overthink things and I thought you are annoyed and you just acted like you didn't mind and... Well, I don't know" he smiled sadly and sighed.

"Oh Deccy" Ant sighed and pecked his temple. "I would never lie to you, okay? But of course I know you, you just should have spoken to me about all that. I thought you were fine and just wanted to take it slowly, you know?"

Dec nodded and tried a little smile. He dreaded to tell Ant what had come next, but he wanted to be honest to him. At least now. So he took a deep breath.

"And then you were away at your mum's and well, I tried to... God..." Dec stuttered. Ant only smiled at him encouragingly and Dec took a deep breath and carried on. "I talked to Stephen. I know, don't say anything, but I was so devastated and I thought I was a freak and I wanted to know from him if it ever happened to him and that, you know? And he also said it wasn't a big deal and he suggested I should try to... you know, get myself off. So I tried that by watching something, you know? And well, it didn't really work. So I freaked out even more."