Tina's POV
I've been looking for the companies that i am going to apply with, and unfortunately ...hindi parin ako natanggap. They refused me for the main reason that they're looking for someone's have the potential for the desired position and badly, i don't have that capacity. Maybe, i excel on the other things but not in this field.
Tatlong kompanya na ang pinuntahan ko but still, they just said that they were gonna call me if there's any vacant position that suits for me.
Now i realize, hindi talaga madaling maghanap ng trabaho especially sa mga naglalakihang kompanyang tulad ng pinag a-aplayan ko. Nakakawala ng self-esteem once you'd rejected. Nakapapanlumo sa pakiramdam ang tanggihan ka sa isang bagay that you seems to deserve more than anyone. And i hate that fact!
Natapos na ang isang araw ngunit ni isa sa mga kompanyang pinag-aaplayan ko'y wala paring tumanggap sakin. I felt pity for myself. I'd never thought that it would be so uneasy thing for me and i badly need to find a job as soon as possible. Hindi pwedeng matapos ang buwan na'to na hindi pa ako nakakahanap ng trabaho.
Mag-aaral na ako by the next month at kailangan kong tustusan ang pang-araw araw na gastusin para dun. Paubos narin ang perang naipon ko't sapat lamang 'to para sa darating na enrollment for the first semester.
Natatakot ako sa maaaring mangyari, what if di ako makahanap ng trabaho at naubos na lahat ng naipon kong pera sa bangko then i decided to go back on my dad's crib at lunukin lahat ng natitirang pride ko habang ipinapamukha nya lahat ng pang iinsultong maaari nyang ibato sakin. No! i won't let that happen, EVER!!! Kung maaaring magpakalimos ako, gagawin ko just to prove to them that i'd never regret every single decisions i've made.
Gabi na nang makabalik ako sa apartment and i feel so dizzy at the moment. Sino ba naman ang hindi mahihilo sa walang humpay kong paglibot sa buong syudad ng LA na daig pa si Dora the explorer.
I almost ride a more than 20 taxis, walk like more or less a thousands steps upstairs and downstairs. A skyscraper high riding those different kinds of elevators in over 10 companies i have applied.
Shoot! i hate this day so far. God should've give me an award in this multi tasking day of my life, atleast one job. Please..
When i entered my unit, i quickly lead my way through the bedroom. I feel a lil bit hungry but that doesn't makes any sense to me now. All i want to do at this very moment, is to lay down my body against the softness of my own bed.
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I am awake by the banging sound of my door and I felt a sudden pounding beat of my heart. My fear and nervousness suddenly ignites!
I have this feeling since i was a kid that i'm getting used to and so, I didn't stop taking pills and even injectable medicines prescribed by my doctor. I always been taking it since that incident happened that got my whole life ruined.
My heart is racing so fast as i up to my bed and walk slowly through the door where i heard the banging sound. Sinilip ko muna ang dahilan ng nasabing ingay. Kinakabahan ako ng sobra ng mga sandaling yun and maybe a moment later, i'll collapsed.
Pagkasilip ko'y agad kong nakita ang dalawang lalaki na parehong nakasuot ng itim na damit. May suot ding sumbrero ang isang lalaki habang sinisindahan ang dala nitong sigarilyo na mas lalo kong ikinabahala. They have a lot of tattoos in their bodies and i guess they're drunk. I'm so frightened at the moment i was looking to the both of them. I suddenly felt the numbness of my body as i lean my back against the door.
My nerves gets frozen as i crawl my way through the kitchen. I was crying at the moment once i heard the banging sounds again. It becames louder!
I pour a glass of warm water and quickly take my pills. Humagulgol na ako sa iyak habang pilit kong pinapakalma ang aking sarili ng mga sandaling yun. Nagtago ako sa isang sulok ng dining area and i struggled to breathe. I'm running out of my own self consciousness and i can't stop sobbing. I became panicked!
I suddenly remembered my mom, she's always there in me when times like this happen. And now, walang ni sino man ang makakatulong sa'kin ngayon kundi ang sarili ko lang.
I still burst out into tears and my whole body's were shaking but it seems like paralyzed on the other hand.
It takes a minutes before the noise has finally disappear. They're gone! I let a very deep sigh after i convinced myself that they already left. I felt a sudden relief nang silipin kong muli ang pinto at tuluyan na nga itong naglaho pero naroon parin ang kaba sa dibdib ko.
I am still so puzzled and pretty confused. I wonder who's that guy is, at anong kailangan nila sakin? Nagtatalo ang parehong isip ko if i should've give my mom a call or what? but then, it ended me up reaching for my room and lit a stick of cigarettes. I'm not a damn smoker nor a drinker but this thing made me calm.
Everytime i'm having my panick attack, this is what i usually did. Naninigarilyo lang ako pag nasa sitwasyon na gaya nito and no one ever knows about this, most especially my parents. But when it's normal, i didn't do such thing like this. I'm a good girl with a higher grades, an obedient daughter and don't have a social life. I just smoke but i didn't went on any different parties like the others did. I know it's strange thing for an innocent girl like me to blow this piece of shit that i don't even had remembered when did i started to used this thing.
This feeling is inevitable, it always happened to me and i just don't expect that it still gets me ruined. Sana maggising nalang ako isang araw at mawala na lahat ng masalimuot na nakaraang yun. What did happened to me a while ago has been a part of my worst past that always taking me back over and over again.
I am still in a deep thoughts memorizing those two guys horrible faces outside my apartment. They look so scared and it's frightened me off like hell. Paulit ulit kong tinatanong sa sarili ko kung sino ba talaga ang mga taong yun, but i still don't have a clue. But one thing i am assure of...
Isa sila sa mga taong kinakatakutan ko ng lubos na pilit kong iniiwasan at minsan nang naging sanhi ng pagkawala ko sa aking sarili. Sila ang laging nagtutulak sakin pabalik sa malagim kong nakaraan, and i hate to encounter those kinds of people. They always making me so unwell.
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FAME (H.S//1D TAG-LISH Fanfiction)
Fanfiction"I love you so much that it hurts me too bad."
