My One Shots

My Scars

A little gift to show the appreciation of her friendship, from PrincessAmna_3 to AynaSyed/TheCrazyGirls_.

***

I sat in the balcony, despite it being the winter season, with my shawl wrapped around my shoulders. As i closed my eyes, taking the cold air in through my nostrils and exhaling it out of my mouth, i tried to focus on the rhythm of my breath in an attempt to meditate.

Meditation, like all endeavours to ease my anxious heart, failed to help, and my mind kept wandering through the past.

There was no peace, only desperation--desperation to get out of my thoughts, which were driving me crazy.

I couldn't hold it in any longer.

As tears started to pool around the corners of my eyes, i closed my eyes and whispered, "Oh Allah, you're the only one. You're the only one. Please reveal your mercy on me. No one knows what i am going through but you, please help me through it. I don't want to fall prey to Shaytaan's¹ tricks."

Just as i uttered those words, he entered the balcony.

Hussain was my first cousin--my paternal uncle's son. He always cared for me like a good friend, and his words were always soothing. On top of it, he understood me like no other.

I quickly wiped my tears away as he moved a chair to sit opposite me.

"Aina?" His voice held concern.

My eyes welled up again.

"Hussain..." My voice held the sorrows of the world as i tried to utter more than his name.

I don't know, there was just something about the way he made me feel: understood, validated, safe. There was just a soothing aura to his presence that made me want to open up to him and just cry onto his shoulder.

But i held myself. He was a non-mehram².

"What's wrong, Aina?" His voice held the usual so-very-clear concern. "I feel like you're not sane, like something is bothering you so much. Sometimes you get so quiet, and then suddenly you are fine, but that lasts only a while. All of it feels like you're trying so hard to laugh and smile and act fine, but... Is everything fine?"

"Tell me, Hussain. Why are you so concerned?" i said, tears slowly trailing down my cheeks.

"Alright, i'll tell you why. But i wanna ask you something first," he replied.

"What's that?"

"Do you trust me?"

"Hus--"

"Yes, or no?"

"Yes, i do." I stared at him, confused; i couldn't decipher the expression in his eyes.

"Look, Aina. Whatever it is, i promise i'll never judge you. You can trust me on this." His eyes were focused on me.

"Hussain, i..." I looked down. "I fell for someone. So bad. I'm so sorry." I broke down.

He held me by my shoulders and looked into my eyes, willing me to look into his. "I love you, Aina. I really do. I said i won't judge you, and this is why. I know you're innocent. You can trust me, tell me everything."

Everything came playing in my head like a movie. The care and concern in his eyes, the comfort in his words, through all those years--everything.

But could i really trust him?

"Yes."

"Aina?" His voice dragged me out of my thoughts. "What are you thinking?"

"Nothing." I quickly panicked.

"Listen, it's okay. Just tell me. We need to sort this out, okay?" he said.

"Okay," i started.

I fell for someone through the internet. I don't know how, even after knowing we're impossible, i confessed to him. I told him that i am so serious about him and that i wanted him to come and marry me.

For that, to this day, i hate myself.

He, despite knowing that that's not what i wanted and that it made me extremely uncomfortable, used to behave like we're officially together. I was not this girl. I was not this person. And he knew it very well.

It was like it wasn't really me, like i was pretending to be someone i'm not, and it left me unable to even meet my own self because i didn't know who i was.

And about Hussain, i always felt like he liked me, and i secretly liked him too. So, i was so confused and guilty. I didn't know if i was cheating on him, or Hussain, or anyone else who'd be my future spouse.

And now, whenever he texted, i used to panic. I don't know why.

He didn't care, a part of me knew that, but it was that stupid part of me that was also dominant that couldn't quite come to terms with what i already knew.

"Aina, you've been through so much. I understand. Don't feel guilty. Just end it. He's hurting you, and you need to cut it off. That's it. You've had enough."

"How?"

"Just block him right away. Right now!"

"But..."

"Don't think about anything else. Just do it. I'm with you in this. Nothing will happen. Just don't worry, and trust me."

Those words--they soothed me and satisfied me to my core.

"I owe you, Hussain."

"Will you marry me?" This one gave me a shiver.

"YES." I embarrassed myself and blushed.

"Thank God, you smiled." He smiled back at me. God, that smile--those deep, prominent dimples. It was literally the cutest combination ever. No biasness.

I looked up at him and said, "I really owe you. I owe you--"

"Just be mine." He winked, making me blush dark pink.

I was just in awe at how i wanted to give up on life one moment and the next he came to me like a new life.

How could i ever pay my thanks to Allah for that? He's, indeed, the most merciful.

***

¹: Devil; evil powers.
²: An Islamic term; someone who's not related to you by blood, someone you can marry; meaning you're not allowed to touch or be intimate before marriage. (I don't know how else to describe that term, okay? Sorry.)