I Just Wanted To See The Light - (Karen Gillian, Doctor Who Fan Fic)

Chapter 16 - The Past and The Present

*2 months later*

I and Matt had only spoken once and that was the night he had left me that note. I kept the note and kept it in my purse with me ever since. From that day it had been an uphill struggle and now me and Matt only speak on a professional basis when filming scenes or doing script readings etc. I and Arthur have been together now for two months and it has been great but I always feel something for Matt. In my heart I still love him.

Every single time I walk past him I just wanna speak to him and kiss him on his soft lips he has but I know it will hurt me again and it will hurt him even more. I look away from him and avoid him now. I get Arthur to read his bits whenever I want to practise. Arthur questions about me and Matt and why we are not talking. I think everyone is asking that question but quite frankly it isn’t their business to know. I have told Arthur to not to ask about it again and he was fine with that.

I just got on with my daily routine for now but soon it will be ending as in a couple of weeks we finish filming the series which of course I was sad about but I could meet up with David my agent and my mate Lauren.  That reminds me I haven’t spoken to her in ages. She must be worried about me. I get my phone out of my bag and scroll through my contacts until I find her number. I dial it and it rings for bit until I hear her voice again.

“Hello?” She asks

“Hey Lauren, its Karen!” I exclaim

“OMG Karen!!! Where the hell have you been? You have not contacted me for a few months now so I thought you didn’t want to be friends with me so I deleted your number and didn’t bother contacting you…” She explains shouting at me as well

“OMG I am soooo sorry but of course you must have found out by now via the news. I am the new companion on Doctor Who and I’m in Wales! However, we are finishing filming in a couple of weeks so I am going to come and visit you as soon as I am back, Lauren! God I have missed you…” I say

“Aww it’s fine and yeah I have and I am so happy for you Karen. I will be awaiting a knock at my door Karen, you ginger goddess. Love you gorgeous and I will see you soon as I have to go now so enjoy yourself these last two weeks and make amends Karen.” She says to me

I hear nothing after that and with that I lock my phone and place it back into my bag; her last words ringing through my head. I put on a random pair of shoes and walk out of my trailer. I decide to put some music on and place my headphones into my ears. I walk off and just walk around the trailer park to get some fresh air and I start to head in the direction of Arthur’s trailer but my body decides to walk towards Matt’s trailer instead. I stand there in front of his trailer looking at his door. I take one headphone out and walk up the little step. I breathe out and knock on his door. I wait there patiently and after what seems forever the door opens and standing in front of me is a man. A man who I haven’t seen in ages. He has a different face, the same pointy chin, the same chilling green hazel eyes and the same brown floppy hair. Inside of me, I feel myself fall apart as it feels like this is the first time I have ever seen him but of course I have seen him nearly every day. Trapped on this site.

I realise I have been standing here for a couple of minutes and as I look at him again I see him with his questioning eyes beaming down at me. For an instance I swear I see the edge of his mouth go up into a half smile.

“Hi” I simply say to him

“Umm hi” He says back to me

“So umm could I come in please? I need to talk to you about something…” I ask

“Oh umm yeah sure” He says back to me letting me in. He closes the door behind me and I turn around to him and I have to compose myself otherwise the memories of what happened that day will come back to me.

“When I was here a few months ago, I found a note on that door there” I say pointing at the door “I read it and read it and read it over and over again these past months. Those last words you said I just need to know, do you still mean it?” I ask him. I see his face scrunch up and I pull out my purse and then pull out the letter and hand it to him.

“Read it Matt” I say as he holds it in his hands looking at it. He slowly unfolds it and I see his eyes go across the page. “When I read it the first time, the thing I said after reading it was ‘I love you too Matt’. I’m in love with you and Arthur but when I see you now Matt, you are a changed man but I have to look away from you even if we pass each other even if it is on the way to the canteen or to our trailers. I just can’t believe what I have given away and what I could have had. These two months could have been ours, together in each other’s arms but no, we only talk when filming etc and it kills me.” I explain trying to hold back the tears which eventually escape at the end. I look up at him and I see a single tear drop slide down his cheek. He comes closer to me and hugs me and then pulls away again.

“It kills me as well Karen. I still love you to the end of the universe and back with all my heart. I have even tried dating other girls but I have not had that connection like I have with you. I have wanted to talk to you as well but I knew it would kill me and hurt me again like it did when it all went south those days two months ago. I love you Karen Gillian!” He exclaims shouting out the last bit.

I choke back the tears and as I stand there I look up at him and debate wherever or not to kiss him. I stop myself and give him another hug.

“I love you to Matt” I say as I hug him and when I pull away I look at him one last time and head to the set of the TARDIS.

No filming is going on today so I know it will be free. I just want to sit there and think about everything that has gone on. When I get there, I decide to lie on the floor of the TARDIS on its glass floor. I look up at the ceiling of the TARDIS and just stare at it and think about my life before I got the job. It was much more peaceful than now. I could enjoy my life and hang out with Lauren and be in contact with David. I would just sit on my sofa and binge eating and watch TV all day. Why did I have to love two men? I wish I could just not return to Doctor Who again.

I sit up and with no intention I walk out and head straight to Steven Moffatt office. I knock on his door and I hear him shout “Come in”. I walk in and sit on the chair opposite him.

“Hey Steven!” I say

“Hello Karen! How are you this evening?” He asks

“I am okay thank you but could I ask you something please?!”

“Yeah sure!” He says putting down his pen. “What is it?”

“I would like to leave Doctor Who please and never return.”