Friends. // l.s.

Chapter 17 - "You can tuck me in."

Louis' POV

"Harry." My voice was breathless and indigent, I didn't know what to say or how to take his confusion away. He was confused, but I was confused as well and didn't know where this was going and what we were doing. One thing was certain though, I wanted to stay this way. Harry's touch was comforting and nice, making my insides feel warm. His hands were large compared to mine and they engulfed mine entirely. There was no way I could escape him but at the same time he seemed to long after my reassurance, he hoped for me to fix things for him and sort them out. In that moment it dawned me that he had no idea what he was doing all along considering he was just as confused as I. His previous words replayed in my head and my eyes shot open.

"It's just the aberrances." The words tumbled out of my mouth and the next thing I knew, I tried to retreat both my hands from him and get his head off me as fast as possible. Harry appeared thrown off and landed on his bum, trying to steady himself with his elbows. His jaw slacked and he crinkled his nose.

"I didn't mean it th-" Harry was quick to defend himself but I butt in furiously.

"I get it now. You used me to find out if you like guys. You're playing with me when you know how hard this is for me. You wanna figure things out and end your confusion but it's paying a toll on me. So did you like it? Are you into blokes, Harry? Are you?" I didn't give him any time to cut me off and continued after taking a short breath."That's sick, Harry! You're sick and it's disgusting! You ruined it for me, it wasn't supposed to be like this." Finally, I understood what all of this was. And because of his selfishness my first contact with men was with him and against a stupid wall in the goddamn kitchen. But that wasn't even the worst part, no, the worst part was that the reason he had for corrupting me in such a way was completely different from what I had hoped for. It would always be connected to the event and nothing was the way I had imagined it to be. He had ruined it. Harry let out a heavy sigh.

"No, you don't understand anything at all. I'm sorry if it came out the wrong way, I wasn't thinking when I said it! I'm sorry, I'm sorry." He looked at me with pleading eyes and folded his hands submissively. "I didn't mean to ruin anything, that wasn't what I aimed for. I didn't think, I didn't think, Louis, I wasn't thinking." His eyes closed and he inhaled, a deep frown on his face. If I hadn't known him better I would've thought he was close to tears. "Please forgive me?"

My expression softened upon his plea but deep in my heart the distrust sustained. He always wanted to be forgiven, none of his mistakes did ever really affect him because he was always simply being forgiven, every single time.

I took my time with crossing my legs under me and playing around with my digits until answering. "I don't think I should. You're never being confronted with your mistakes, but you should be. You should think before you talk, always think," I murmured and he tilted his head towards me while bringing himself closer on his knees. This exact situation reminded me of the names he had called me on the first day he had moved in here and how he could never repeat them or I would seriously consider murdering him. He had payed no thought to what he had said this time, but then he had purposely tried to hurt me. Perhaps he thought of the same event right now. I liked the Harry who was kneeling in front of me now way better. Although he still hurt me, it wasn't as intentionally as it used to be then, I guessed.

"I will," he promised and met my gaze. I hadn't exactly forgiven him but also not particularly denied him. My insides were torn whether this was good or bad, whether this was wrong or right. His hands slid back to mine and he held them tenderly in both of his.

"This is okay?" He asked unsurely. His features were troubled and my shaking hands and erratic beating heart couldn't have gone unnoticed by him. Nevertheless, I nodded slowly while looking into his deep green eyes. I had given him the confirmation he needed and he pursued by gently gliding his thumbs over my palms. I wouldn't die of this, would I? Nothing was wrong about any of this, about my hands in his, our faces only inches apart. I wouldn't die.