Getting Over You

5 - Never be the same

My days were getting awful and nights sleepless. When all used to be in their bed sleeping peacefully, my minds used to hover around his memories. I was restless, my sleep was nowhere to be found. As soon as the evening began to fall, all of his memories start to come and butcher my heart. Night after night, I was slowly getting dragged to Insomnia.

I had no one to share my feelings. My one and only friend Eva whom I use to tell everything was on vacations. My heart was getting heavy with all the pains and thoughts I wanted to share. I never bothered my mom because I never told her that I was in a relationship. She would not like to see me having a boyfriend at this young age, but how should I tell her that love does not depend on age? It happens any time, anywhere and at any age. I used to just pretend happy in front of her. I don't know about being a good daughter, but I was becoming a good actress. I always plastered that fake smile on my face. I really don't like to share my feelings but I think I have reached my limits to keep it in on my own. So, I decided to write in my diary. I found a dairy from my mom's table and I started writing.

Why did you do this to me Zac? When you held me you said forever, but now you are gone and I know you actually meant never. You broke me, it hurts so deep, it cuts like a knife. It's just wound heals but this will go on forever with my life. When you use to say you love me seeing in my eyes, now I know it was a cold-hearted lie. My heart is broken into pieces and it stung me like thorns. I really miss your tender touch and soft kisses, which used to take all of my pain. It has been 15 days since the last time I heard your voice. 20 days since I saw your face, held your hand and kissed your lips. I really don't feel like laughing but try to laugh whenever I saw our random funny clicks. I honestly don't know if I can laugh again like I used to before. Please come and save me before I fall apart.

Suddenly, my pen slipped from my hand as my emotions got over me. The pages were wet with my tears and it's ink spread all over the page. My words were ruined just like my heart. I held my head with my hands and I broke down. My sniffles were shuddering and echoing my empty room. At least now I could cry my heart out as now there was no one who could hear it. I never feel that crying is a sign of weakness because accepting your pain and releasing it through tears isn't so easy. I've come to feel grateful for the crying, actually,  I even relish it. It lets me feel the loss fully at the moment and allows me to hold the memory of my love, almost like an embrace. I was screaming and crawling on my bed. Maybe the tiredness of crying helps me sleep this time.

When I open my eyes it was like my world was going far away from me. Waking up every fucking morning and think of him is a torment. Every morning I wake up and my first thoughts are, 'Shit! Another day! How am I gonna pass this? I should stop thinking about him. He doesn't care for me.' But in the end, I couldn't. I couldn't stop thinking about him. I was now eating little, my hunger was nowhere to be found. I felt sick, my head was aching like someone is hitting a hammer on it. My body felt warm, it felt weak. I felt like dying, maybe then he will at least come to see me at my funeral and shed some tears for me. I was lying on my bed motionless, tears were sliding down to my ears. I suddenly felt a warm touch on my head. It was my mom.

"How are you feeling sweetie?" she asked with a concerned voice.

I tried to speak "my....mom my head feels like it's going to explode." I said in a weak voice and started to shed tears.

"I told you to eat, just wait I am bringing some food," she scowled, I could hear a touch of worry in her voice.

She brings me some vegetable soup, this time I didn't say anything. I opened my mouth as my mom started to feed me. I was feeling stupid. What am I doing? I am just making my mom worried. She hasn't done anything to me. I am just creating problems, now she's feeding me like am a four year old. Actually, I am behaving worse than a four-year-old child. I was feeling bad, I quietly finished my soup and I fall asleep while my mom continued to caress my forehead.

I couldn't talk to him but I used to stalk him through the social applications; checking his profile and timeline. I know it sounds creepy and I feel like a stalker, but this was the only thing which was helping me to breathe. But he was crueler than I thought. This time when I opened Facebook to check his profile, I couldn't find anything. He blocked me. My hands started to shiver, heart beating fast. I quickly open my Whtasaap and checked his profile and he blocked me there too. My lips started to tremble, eyes flickered with tears. My cell phone fell down from my hand and I was now on my knees. Was he not happy already? Was this much pain was not enough? He fucking blocked me. I punched the wall hard and let out a scream of distress.

I wish I could foresee what was coming for me. I would have more prepared for this. I can't explain the shit going through my head. I try to understand where did everything go wrong. Look for that one big reason which made him do it. I can't stop thinking about it. Can't let it go too. I feel so stupid. Clearly, I have become obsessed with him. Will he ever realize how much I love him? It is killing me. I didn't know break-up would be so easy for him and so disastrous for me. Maybe he never loved me the way I loved him. I wish I could delete that day, just one day when I accepted his request. It all started with that one fucking friend request.

I know now that he just saw me as his girlfriend, and I always loved him more than a boyfriend. Why doesn't the school teach us about all this? Why didn't they tell that loving someone can hurt so much? Why they just teach about all that bookish shit? I don't know why he doesn't want to hear my voice now. What does he think about me now? Actually, I don't want to know. My heart can't take anymore. I really don't know what will happen next. Will I be able to laugh again? Or I will just be a lonely soul?

Every night I go to my room and switch off the lights, lie down and close my eyes. I notice the silence, I notice my heart. Still beating. And I say to my self that I made it, I survived one more day without you and I can make it more, and everything will be alright. Then the other day you make it more hard for me. It was difficult to believe. Even harder to understand. How could a person change so much? How could love die in a matter of days? It was beyond my comprehension. I just know one thing that it can never be the same.

I thought I should go outside, I should let my mind free from all the stress. Maybe that will help me to feel good. I took a bath and put on a maxi dress. I kept my hair in a bun. I didn't do any makeup. It felt worthless, I didn't care how I looked. I took my purse and after two weeks, I finally stepped my feet outside. The cool wind hit my face like a blessing, it felt good. I saw people laughing, children playing and I missed my day when I used to be like them. When I didn't care about the time to return home while playing with my friends. I was passing by a park where I saw couples chatting and laughing, walking holding hands. I felt suffocated, I felt pain rushing through my heart. I missed him. They looked happy, they were lucky that they can live one more day with their love but I couldn't. I started running, as far as I could from those peoples. I didn't feel jealous but I felt broken and unlucky. I saw a bar across the road. Now I knew what could help me to ease the pain.

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A/N: please hit that star button, throw your slipper, hit a hammer or tap it by your nose. Just hit it. It motivates me🙂