The Fear of Loving You

Chapter 4

Finally, the first day of college arrived. I had lived a lifetime of loneliness between the time my family died and the day I first arrived on the college campus. I was definitely nervous about walking into a school full of students around my age when all I'd been doing for the past months was avoiding human interaction as much as I could. I had been reading as often as possible, and I still hadn't gotten through even half of the books Blake had in his favorites collection. I was saddened by the fact that I wouldn't be able to read as much, if at all, because of college.

I walked around campus, trying to find my first class. I saw many other students roaming around, and I could tell which of the students were freshmen because they were doing the same thing I was. I couldn't wait to just find my class so I wouldn't be out in the open any longer, vulnerable to everyone. Although I felt lonely, I wanted to keep to myself throughout most of college. I didn't want to speak to many people. Social interaction would be kept to a minimum for me.

One of the reasons why I didn't want to engage in social interactions was because I hadn't fully gotten over the accident. How could someone in that little amount of time? I definitely wasn't able to heal myself after what happened. My brain informed me that involving myself in situations in which I'd have to interact with others was not a good idea. I would be that one girl that never talks to anyone, and I would rock the role. Before I could play that part, I accepted the lesser role of the lost freshman, the part many played during most of the first semester of freshman year.

I must've walked around the whole campus five times that morning. I couldn't seem to find my class. I had no idea why I was having such a hard time finding the class, but I was, and there was no doubt about it. I saw that almost everyone else was in a classroom except for me. That couldn't be true. There had to be more than a few students walking around.

As I looked around campus and saw no one else, I began to have a panic attack. It took over, and I felt completely alone. That's what they did to me. I'd noticed that I was having them only when I was alone, not when I was able to see someone else. They only happened when I was by myself.

My mind replayed that horrible day. I saw the car coming into contact with ours over and over again. I wanted to scream. I couldn't seem to stop it. It lasted for what seemed like forever. I could feel myself walking, but I wasn't sure where. All I could see was the rummage from the wreck. I stood as if I was looking over all of the wreckage from that day. I saw the two crumpled up cars, the seven bodies that lie within them: one in the other car and six in ours. The visions wouldn't go away, no matter how hard I tried. I was still walking, and I couldn't stop myself until I turned off my mind in order to see where I was going.

I focused as hard as I could, trying to stop the vision. When I came back to reality, I was sitting on the ground with my back against a wall. I was facing toward a classroom door. I looked at the number and realized that this was the class I'd been looking for ever since I arrived there that morning. I walked into the classroom and took a seat, just in time. It was a miracle that I'd ended up in front of that door.

Wow, that was close, I told myself, sighing. I could've been late to class. I just about missed the beginning of class.

I walked into the classroom and saw many other students sitting in seats. The professor was not yet at his podium, and I knew that was good, for I'd just arrived and I hadn't missed any of class. Soon, the professor walked out of his office that was connected to the classroom. He introduced himself as Professor Hodges.

As I sat in a large classroom that first day, my mind raced. My eyes traveled across the room, running toward a different face every few seconds. My brain seemed to punish me for going to the school Blake and I were going to attend together.