my head feels as if it could burst as i pull up my email address on my laptop. these past weeks have been stressful and having the house to myself makes me feel more small and vulnerable. my hands freeze at the sight of a message from ashton irwin with the subject titled 'for michael and elle.' i hesitate before double tapping my cursor over the message.
a video clip. i quickly download it before pulling it up on the screen. my body tingles all over at the sight of ashton's face on the screen. he looks so worn out and exhausted like he ran a ten mile race. how am i just seeing this now?
"um, hi," tears prick at my eyes at the sound of his voice. i close my eyes, blinking away the tears. peeling them open, my heart breaks at his state. why couldn't i have been there for him?
"please don't hate me," ashton barely gets out. tears fill in his hazel eyes, breaking my heart all over again. i am turning inside out, "i tried, i really tried to get through it. but the two of you are probably better off without me. i've just been a burden on the both of you - especially you, michael. ever since high school when i fucked things up with my family, you were there for me, and i repaid you by being a piece of shit and weighing you down from everything."
he sniffs. i feel as if i'm completely breaking. how can ashton even think of michael and i being better off without him?
"you were the first and best friend i've ever had. before you, everyone thought i was this psychopath. you completely changed my life and whenever i felt like giving up, you were always there to push me and to calm me from my stupid panic attacks. i'm sorry for everything i put you through, michael. you probably hate me so much, but i don't blame you." a tear falls down his cheek. he quickly wipes it away and sucks in a breath, "shit, sorry. i'm just done, you know? i'm tired of acting happy and forcing a smile on my face when i really want to fucking breakdown. everything hurts so fucking much and there's nothing i can do. i just want to blame someone. i want to scream at someone and fuck them up for causing me all this pain. but i can't blame my pain on anyone, not even my parents for not loving me, beause the problem is me. it's always been. i just hate myself so much. i'm tired of medication and doctor visits and my stupid therapist who makes me hate life. i'm tired of hurting and i, um, i... i'm sorry. to the two of you. and um, elle..."
the way he chokes out my voice, accumulates a pain in my chest. no. i don't think i'm ready for this. my body feelsl too numb to pause the video.
ashton continues, "you've been a really great friend to me. we haven't known each other that long, but i knew i was going to keep you around a long time. i'm sorry for wasting your time and i'm sorry for everything you've been through. you're the strongest person i know and i wish i could be like that... i know niall hurt you emotionally and physically, and it sucks because you're so amazing and you didn't deserve that. you deserve someone who loves you so much that they can't imagine a world without you, that they can't imagine themselves with someone else, and that they can't imagine themselves even getting angry with you. but you picked yourself up so quickly after that and i remember you'd smile and i'd look at you wondering how you held yourself together without completely falling apart."
more tears fall out of his eyes. i run my finger along ashton's cheek on the screen. why does he not understand the fact that the reason i was able to keep myself together is because he was there for me to fall back on? "well, i guess i'm never going to be able to give you that vinyl record box set. whatever, it was stupid anyway... i'm sorry, guys. please don't hate me. i love the two of you so much. thank you for being the only ones who tried shining a little light through my darkness. i love you."
"i love you, too," i whisper to the screen before the camera flicks off and ashton's face is replaced with darkness. my heart hurts so bad. my face feels like it could start a fire, but if i cry he won't come back. i blink away the tears threatening to fall from my eyes.
he's okay. somewhere ashton's okay so there isn't a point in crying because he's fine and he's going to come back. he has to. he can't just leave. how am i going to move on without him? how am i supposed to be strong after this?
the ache in my chest rises up to my throat.
he isn't coming back.
a choking sound comes out of me and my chest opens up. for the first time since ashton died, i let out a sob. my heart feels as if it's twisting and untwisting, uncurling enough to scream for him. but it doesn't find him.
my shaky hand replays the video as i sob at the sight of ashton looking so broken and hurt. when the video ends i play it again and again, letting go all of the pain i've been holding in so long. it isn't fair. what am i supposed to do now? i bring my finger to my lips as tears run down my face. knowing that his touched mine is like the only trace of him i have left.
