Naked

I am My Fears

Fears are something everyone has, some are terrified of snakes, some of the dark and there's people like me who are afraid of being abandoned. My fear of losing people made me afraid of people who loved me, things that were turning out to be amazing because that probably meant it would be over soon and I would feel again that sense of having a part of me ripped from myself just like when dad died or when I was left in the hospital when I was born. I wondered, how could something that I don't even remember hurt me? I was just a newborn baby I don't have memories of that.
Well, our brains are always taking in data unconsciously and some information is kept from that early stage of our lives. When I was born I expected my mom to feed me and hold me close creating a bond between us, instead, she left and inside my brain the sensation of having been abandoned grew roots and stayed there.
As I child I was never afraid of the dark, I loved animals and loved risk. It was only when I thought my parents were angry at me and would abandon me I would feel truly scared. We think those things are always left in the past, we grow up and we become rational beings right? Well...not exactly.
My fear of being left alone entirely was still with me when I grew up and showed into my interactions with people. I decided to shut myself down, if I don't love you and you leave I won't suffer right? It took me a long time to realize I was suffering more isolating myself like that. Now that I'm in the University, I absolutely adore my mother, I have a wonderful loving boyfriend and I'm surrounded by marvelous friends...all of the sudden I was frightened once more.
The other day I got a lot of compliments, my friends were telling me how much they love me and how special I was to them. My eyes filled with tears and I took a step back terrified, inside my brain an alarm was screaming for me to get away, if I get attached I will suffer horribly later.
What if they discover my dark side? What if they find out how arrogant, how selfish, how destructive can I be? I've hurt many people before! I'm surely poison! They will find out and run and when that happens I'll be left alone once again and my worst fears will come true!
Stop, breathe, think. Fear...is it an enemy? Not really, fear was designed for us to survive in the wild. If we're not afraid of the huge fangs of that animal we'll probably end up more easily with our head between them. Fear is a good sign, fear means we wish to survive, fear means we care about ourselves and that's a good thing!
Thing is, those things I'm afraid of certainly will happen. Everything is changing all the time, even ourselves, people live and then they die. I will lose people I love eventually but it's worth it. It will hurt inevitably, I will feel abandoned and lost. I can't run away! But now, now I understand it was never my fault, I'm not an alien and there's nothing wrong with me. Fear is only natural, we're scared of that which is unknown to us. That's why I was afraid of friends who truly cared about me! I didn't know what it was like to have friends before so friendship was unknown and scary to me, when Alex asked me out I wanted to run away in fear because he was the first stable guy whom I knew would stay...and I would get attached and then I would suffer, guess what? Although love means losing someone you love eventually, it makes our life meaningful. Amaranta will die soon enough, that will hurt me badly but I wouldn't change anything, I love my cat! And even though my father died, he was the best father he could have been and that's enough to justify the pain of saying goodbye.
What are you truly afraid of? You may think that makes you a coward but in reality it's just being human. I might hug you a bit too long, tell you how much you mean to me too often, throw myself into doing things to live my life since I'm afraid, but fear has made me truly be alive, I am My Fears.