I'm Genderfluid, Yes I Exist

So today SUCKED

(Male, he/him)

So because of me not publishing yesterday you get a double update, yay :)

So I got misgendered A LOT today, like on a normal guy day I can kind of reason with myself and tell myself things like :

"They don't know your a guy, you can't be mad at them"

Or

"Even if you tried to ask them to call you by he/him they wouldn't understand anyways so just suck it up and move on"

But today I was literally woken up by my dad screaming at my mom and I because apparently we were late WHEN HE WOKE UP LATE AND HE WAS JUST MAD AT US FOR THAT BECAUSE THAT WAS NORMALLY THE TIME I WAKE UP AND I WAS FINISHED BEFORE HIM JUST BY THE WAY!

So yeah I had to spend my morning with a pissed off dad and my mom was mad at me because me waking up late made my dad mad at her so yeah that was fun.

Then when I got to school I hadn't done my assignment because yesterday as soon as my dad came home I went to sleep so I wouldn't have to talk to him. And after I rushed to finish it SHE DIDN'T EVEN TAKE THEM IN BECAUSE "SHE DIDN'T WANT TO LOOSE THEM" So they're only due tomorrow.

So I was just really really pissed so when literally everyone was just screaming "BIRTH NAME" in my ear the whole day I felt like crying.

Literally the first thing that was spoken to me was " Oh hey *Birth name*" and then I just stared at Squishy and he turned to Ken and said "Damn she looks mad, I wonder what happened to her" I almost cried.

Now normally I can handle people calling me by my birth name but today I don't know i just couldn't ... On guy days it's sucks being called by my birth name, well more than usual, but today was even worse than it normally is on a guy day.

And i tried dropping hints that I don't like being called that, oh believe me I tried.

I drew this cool design on a page that said AARON RYAN and then Mango asked me what it was and I told him that I want to change my name to that when I'm 18 and he just said "Okay" and called me Ryan once after that and then continued to call me *Birth Name* -_-

I mean in English he even asked me who I was , for some weird reason, and I replied with "Aaron Ryan *Surname*" and he literally said "Okay *Birth Name*"

He also said that the thought of two woman being together made him sick, and that he doesn't have a problem with gay people but he doesn't want to see any PDA and when I called him out on it he said that he doesn't wanna see any PDA period even from straight people (what a bunch of crap).

So I couldn't take it and when I saw my reflection in the window at school I almost burst out crying because since I saw how feminine I looked even though I'm a guy,I looked at my hair which was done in two braids, my boobs which were SO visible even though I was wearing a jacket, I looked at everyone passing me and all I could think of was "They see a girl, they think I'm female, and if they knew what i actually am they'd think that I'm a freak"

And then dysphoria began to knock on my door and i just felt like absolute shit the entire day and Ken kept on asking me what was wrong with me in the morning so I told him that I had a headache and then guess what? BAM next period I got a massive headache, thanks karma.

So yeah that was just great just amazing.

And then after school when I was waiting with Angel I told her that Mango called me genderfluid today (he was joking when he said it and I almost hugged him and told him that I actually am because I was a mess today)and this was her reponse:

"I don't think that you're genderfluid *my fucking birth name*."

"Why? Do I not act like a genderfluid person should act?"

"No its not that. Even though some days you don't want to be a girl it's not your body that you have a problem with  [ I almost laughed and cried at the same time when she said this] it's just that you don't like the way that girls are expected to act. You don't like how we're meant to act like ladies and how we're meant to be seen and not heard. I feel like if that wasn't the case then you'd be fine"

So she doesn't know that, and I don't know how'd she feel about it of i did tell her...

The only good thing that happened today was when Vee said that I could pass off as a guy.

Today was terrible, and now I have my dad on my case saying that I need to go to sleep.

So yay for me :)