I'm Genderfluid, Yes I Exist

My Sexual Orientation pt 1

[This was written on the 21/04/2018]

02:10

It's 2 am and I'm writing about something super personal that I'm probably over thinking, what a shock !!

And I feel like I've been avoiding this topic a lot and I feel like it's time to come to terms with myself.

Anyways lemme just start...

So basically I have been struggling with gender roles my whole life and it was only until I access to the Internet that I found out more about this and that I'm not the only one who feels this way.

When I was younger I'm not going to lie, I was girly. I played with dolls and liked to dress up.

But when I got to around gr2-4 I really wanted to be a boy, I just wanted to know what it would be like.

Curious.

I've always been curious.

I tried to act masculine by playing with boys toys, stating that I hated pink and only wore pants for a while and demanding that I be treated as 'one of the guys'.

I remember one day when I was like 8?? I decided that I wanted to be a boy (I didn't know that I could actually be a boy if I wanted to ). So when my closest guy friend came to visit like he did everyday (ummmm let's call him Donkey :) in case you couldn't tell by that we're not friends anymore because he decided that I'm highschool you have to be "cool" So thanks for the 6 years of memories I guess :/ But that's a story for another day) came over I told him that we should pretend to be each other.

I acted like him (a boy) and he tried acting like me and failed miserably.

This only lasted for about 10 mintues since we were in the living room and my dad came and Donkey asked him something and referred to him as 'Uncle *Dad's first name*' and in my mind I was like 'well he's supposed to act like me why not go all out?' And i told him to call my dad 'Deddy'.

Idk why but that triggered my dad so much and he told us to stop playing this stupid game and that I was a girl and that Donkey was a boy.

After that I never acted like a boy again because I was afraid of disappointing my father...

More so, since my sex drive hadn't kicked in yet then (since I hadn't gone through puberty yet) I didn't really think about who I wanted to date or marry when I got older , but thanks to societies norms whenever I was asked I just assumed that I was straight.

I will say that I know for sure that during my main puberty years between 12-13(early) I identified myself as a straight female since those were the years when society tries to make you whatever it wants and unfortunately I was a victim.

During those years I didn't know enough about the lgbtq+ to know what I was, I just assumed I was straight because everyone told me so.

I never thought of the possibility that I could date a girl,  it seemed absurd, disgusting almost, thanks to my family and the environment that I grew up in ( I have only ever met 5 lgbt+ people in my entire life and two of those are my cousins who I'm not allowed to see , for other reasons :/ )

It wasn't until this year that I could properly address my sexuality since now idgaf about what my parents think anymore and am trying to find myself.

So in the beginning of this year I identified myself as a 'transgender bisexual'. I bought myself bandages ( because my parents would freak if I asked for a binder,and tbh I didn't even know that those existed, AND YES I KNOW NOW THAT BINDING WITH BANDAGES IS EXTREMELY DANGEROUS SO I DON'T USE THEM ANYMORE I LITERALLY FREAKED OUT WHEN I READ ABOUT THAT) but I never actually wore it in public because I was too shy.

I just wore it at home, and I will admit, it felt comfortable,  it felt nice to wear baggy shirts and sweatpants and not to be able to see that I'm a girl, the dysphoria disappeared for a while.

I did this for a while and then I stopped, I stopped because I was in denial I told myself that I was filth. I was disgusting for wanting to be a boy.

I also went to this conference which basically was to help young people make the right decisions in their relationship choices and literally whenever someone asked a question about being a homosexual the immediate response was just "Well just try to not be gay and ask God for forgiveness" So I just sat there hella confused because they didn't actually answer some of the questions that I was really curious about.

I went through a lot of mental issues during this time. I was in so much denial that it literally drove me the brink of insanity (I might talk more about this later).

I didn't know what I was since during this time that I identified as transgender I had days where I felt girly and i was really confused, I didn't know that it was okay to be myself.

So then i took to the Internet,  and I found the term 'gender-fluid' which means that on some days you feel more feminine and on others you feel more masculine or basically you just change between different genders, not necessarily just female or male.

It felt good to be able to put a label on what I was feeling. But I never told anyone, I almost did when Angel told me about something really personal that she's been keeping in for a really long time that I knew nothing about, but I didn't.

Because I wasn't sure of how she was going to react and I was scared that this was just a "phase" as I've been raised to believe.

Another issue that I was dealing with, that I'm still dealing with, is that, and I'm not even going to lie, I am attracted to girls .

I have had thoughts of myself having a girlfriend and I've imagined a future with me and my "girlfriend" I've checked girls out multiple times (don't judge).

And the whole concept is very confusing for me since I thought that I was lesbian at one point but then I started to have a crush on a guy and I was hella confused and then I thought that I was bisexual but then I was in denial so that was a mess.

So now here I am about 3 months after all of this mess.

I now have a title to call myself which is genderfluid.

For right now though, I feel as though I'm pansexual since I can honestly see myself being in a relationship with people from every gender identity.

And to make things worse I have literally no one in person to talk to and figure things out.

I'm on my own for now.

(Onwards to part 2)