Pieces of us Both // Luke Hemmings

Chapter 4

The blinding light coming in through my bedroom window wakes me up before my alarm goes off. I throw my hair up into a ponytail and walk out into the kitchen.

"Morning Elle, how are you?" My mum asks cheerily. She is one of those people who insists on sugar-coating life, and it drives me insane.

"Fine." I reply. Like I do everyday.

"Is everything ok?" She questions as she always does.

"Yes." But we both know I don't mean it.

My mother's smile wavers slightly, but nothing could ever wipe the smile off of her make-up covered face.

"That's good." She says as I head towards the fridge. "Oh and before I forget, there was something in the mail box for you this morning. It can't have been delivered with the rest of the mail because it didn't have our address on the front, just your name."

"Who's it from?" I ask, not looking up at her.

"I don't know, I didn't want to open it. But you can see for yourself."

An plain white envelope is placed in front of me, the word 'Ellie' printed carefully in black ink on the front.

I pick it up and return to my room to open it, not wanting to do so under the watchful eyes of my mother. I sit at my desk and place the envelope in front of me. I stare at it for a few minutes, an array of endless questions forming in the back of my mind. I have a hunch as to who it may be from, but I don't want to get my hopes up in case I'm wrong.

Finally, I open it.

Inside I find a letter. It is fairly long, taking up almost the entire page, but my eyes immediately dart to the name at the bottom. Luke Hemmings.

With a sharp intake of breath, I drag my eyes back to the top of the page and begin to read.

...

Ellie,

I have never been good with words.

Ever since I was little I have had the constant dilemma of having an overwhelming array of thoughts and emotions swirling around in my head. Things that I wanted to say, things that I needed to say, but I never knew how to. I guess that's why I started singing.

When you asked me what I knew about pain, I wanted to tell you everything. But I couldn't. I was afraid. But I know that if I ever want to see you again, I need to prove to you that you can trust me. That behind the facade of fame, I am just like you.

I never knew my father. He died of a heart attack just weeks before I was born. No pictures exist or us together, not will any ever exist. I will never know what he was like - what he smelt like, sounded like - and the only image that I have of him in my mind is the one that I have conjured based upon old photographs that I have found hidden away in old photo albums.

Growing up without a male role-model is hard, but I like to think that I have turned out okay. My mum is a truly remarkable woman. My father's death break her to pieces, but she kept going for the sake of my brothers and I. For this I will be eternally grateful.

When you told me that you were hiding from yourself, I honestly didn't understand. But now I do. I have my own demons, the ones who torture and threaten me everyday, but I realized that my music what drowns them out and distracts me. Sometimes I forget about them altogether. I hope that one day you too can find something that will serve as a permanent distraction from your pain (perhaps something a little safer than venturing out alone at night).

After you left me on the curb,  I considered following you. But I didn't. I can't really explain why I didn't, but I do know that by the time I finally got home I couldn't sleep. I was exhausted but I couldn't stop thinking about you. I found myself analyzing every word that you had spoken to me. You are brave, and wise. I hope these traits remain with you forever because you will need them.

I want to get to know you, to be a part of your life. You told me that I didn't need you, but you're wrong. You also said that all humans are shit, but you're wrong. I am shit, and so are a lot of other people, but you aren't. You are pure and honest and I can't help but feel like I need you.

The boys and I are performing tonight and it would mean the world to me to have you there. Give security your name and they will let you came and watch from backstage, maybe we could go and grab a coffee or something afterwards? I can only hope that you will come tonight because you were right about one thing - without hope there is nothing.

However all the hope in the world couldn't change the fact that I don't think that you're stupid enough to get involved with me. I understand completely if this assumption is correct and I can assure you that you will be doing yourself a great favour if you choose to never see me again. I just couldn't leave you without an explanation.

Luke Hemmings

...

The page is scattered with teardrops by the time I reach the end, despite my internal promise not to cry. My mind is in overdrive as I attempt to process what I have just read, I honestly don't know what to do. But before I know it, I am searching through my wardrbobe in search of something to wear.

I guess I just can't bring myself to stay away from him.