lucidity | shyland ✓

fourteen

'woah, that's... amazing.' i said, picking up the drawing and studying it carefully. the crinkles by his eyes were identical to the blonde's own, every single feature perfect.

drew smiled big. 'thank you. it's his birthday present, so don't tell him.' i shook my head as a promise, sitting down in the chair next to him. we soon got given a worksheet to do together. using the textbook, we filled in as many questions as we could until i heard a sharp screech of garrett's chair pulling back. mr tucker looked up for a few seconds before turning back to his book, leaving the boy to walk over to us.

his dirty blonde hair was messily pushed back, his glasses resting on the bridge of his nose, his signature brown jacket hugging his sides. underneath was a gray t shirt with some kind of motif on, and black pants. when drew caught his gaze, the crinkly parts of his eyes that drew had so expertly drawn appeared. when i looked down at the desk, i noticed the drawing was now packed away in his bag.

'i'm going to die.' he groaned, leaning against drew with a huff. everyone was talking loudly so there was no way that loren, who was busily texting under her desk, would hear him talk. 'no offence, ry, but she's hard work.'

drew laughed and slid his fingers into the pocket of garrett's jacket, where the taller boy's hands were already tucked in. i glanced over to the front of the classroom, realising that mr tucker didn't really care what they was doing if they were near me. perks of having a rich dad, i guess. too bad the cons were so dreadful. drew's cheeks were dusted pink as garrett's thumb brushed against the top of his hand, and my mind drifted back to shane.

it had never felt so good to be completely at someone's will, to be called pretty and beautiful as your face was kissed within an inch of your life. my heart was beating fast just thinking about how he moved me to sit on top of him, and my cheeks turned bright red, eyebrows furrowing as i blocked the thought out of my mind.

'i had sex with shane.' i blurted. garrett's head snapped towards me, eyes wide. i braced for the impact, watching him slowly process what i'd just said.

drew let out a little laugh. 'wait... shane as in garrett's friend—'

'no.' the blonde cut him off, shaking his head. he opened his mouth to speak again, but the loud school bell signalling lunch rang and everyone hurried out the classroom. loren hung behind, waiting for me as i stood with the two boys. 'i think we'd better explain to drew. library?' garrett suggested.

i nodded, spinning around to face my girlfriend. speaking the first words that spilled off my lips, i bluffed that i had to work on this project over lunch if we wanted our normal date night this weekend. her eyes lit up at the mention of our evenings together; ever since shane had come around i'd skipped every one. placing one more kiss on my mouth, which i hesitantly returned, she strutted out the classroom and left me with the two boys.

we headed towards the library, and i chose to ignore the few times that garrett's fingers would brush against drew's. god knows what was happening with them, whether it was dating or just flirting, i have no idea. maybe i'll ask garrett later. once we'd grabbed food from the takeaway booth, we began walking, garrett foolishly laughing as drew made a joke about something. i'd tuned out, the prospect of telling yet another person about shane. he felt like my little secret that i'd let garrett in on.

a few minutes later we were sat at one of the tables in the far corner of the library, garrett unwrapping his burger whilst drew opened a box of chips. pulling my panini out of its wrapper, i gulped, watching every one eat their food in silence, a few exchanges between the two boys opposite me. garrett raised his eyebrows at me, gesturing for me to speak, yet the little balls of anxiety that curled around my stomach were growing stronger by the second.

'there's this boy...' i began, taking a deep breath. 'his name is shane, and ever time i fall asleep i see him. the dreams are continuous, each dream the next day of our relationship. he thinks it's real life, it feels like real life, it makes no sense! he's doing something to me, and i don't know what it is, i'm not sure if it's a good thing or not. i feel things that i've never felt before, feelings that are meant for girls and love, yet i feel them towards him.'

i could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. 'i've done all these things with him; i smoked, i did mdma, i got drunk, i kissed him. then last night, last night we slept together, and everything feels so strong and so real that i'm struggling to fathom fact from fiction these days.'

'i cant spend a second without him being on my mind, everything reminds me of him, and just the prospect of knowing this won't last forever kills me because i know that one day i'll fall asleep and he won't be there waiting for me. for some reason, right at the back of my mind, i have this feeling that he is real, that he does exist because he's making me go fucking crazy. i don't even like guys, i don't drink or do drugs or wear cheap clothing or have sex, i don't do that stuff!'

drew's eyes were wide in shock, and garrett was staring at me, throat bobbing as if he was going to cry.

'd'you wanna know what the worst part is?' i whispered, voice breaking and cracking in hundreds of different places.

'i think i've fallen into this crazy kind of stupid, irrevocable love with him.'