Oh No! | Anthology ✔

One Man's Trash | @krazydiamond

I yelped and leapt back, tripping over another piece of debris because these sort of encounters demanded I put myself in as much peril as humanly possible. Scuttling back on my butt, I hit the far wall, hyperventilating as the lump shuddered.

"P-p-p-ex! I need you!" Where was that blasted droid when I needed it? I froze with a small keening sound as the lump collapsed on itself, ejecting a white furry ball that rolled free. A fur ball?

The ball came to a stop a few feet away, unfurling on its fuzzy white back to reveal a dozen spindly legs, jointed like some space pillbug, before the creature managed to flip itself over. The fur settled. My eye twitched. I found myself cornered by a space Pekinese. I must have made a sound as the furry creature turned to look at me. We stared at one another for what felt like hours. It was probably seconds. Those soulless, shiny black eyes peered into the dark recesses of my mind.

"Prrfff?' It chirped.

"What?" I yipped as it undulated toward me, my surviving instincts coming through as I froze like I've been ejected into freaking space without a helmet as the creature crawled right up my chest and snuffled at my face. "I promise I'll never fudge my haul records again."

I jerked at a feeling of wetness swiping across my chin as the creatures legs kneaded my chest before...it curled up and started purring. The urge to void my bladder slowly eased, nearly undone as Pex poked his head around the corner.

"You have need of my services Hague?"

I bit down on the shout, the creature grumbling softly and resettling on my chest. "I think I've been adopted."

"I'm sorry, I do not compute your request."

"Useless bucket of bolts."

***

Mr. Tibbles was quite cuddly for a deep space ferret bug. After managing to disentangle the creature from my lap without pissing myself, I retrieved the scanner. Whatever the ferret bug was, it blatantly refused to register as a life form on the scanner. I had several choice words with the scanner. Whatever, I count myself lucky it's friendly and tolerable of me and Pex, however, I have no idea how the little guy survived out there. Guy? Girl? Mr. Tibbles didn't do much the first 48 hours other than sleep in my lap in various adorable positions.

Ridiculously soft, softer than kittens, and clouds, and dandelion fluff, I can't stand it, I can't stop petting it. Judging by the purr, like a compact laser saw, Mr. Tibbles enjoyed the sensation. I guess floating in space for who knows how long exhausted him. This morning I woke to him rocking side to side on my chest, watching me sleep with those mismatched black eyes. Slightly creepy, but I gave it a pass after he 'prfed' a good morning and rolled free. Unfortunately, after thoroughly turning his nose up to the protein mush, not sure how I'm gonna feed Mr. Tibbles. The answer wasn't any clearer as he skittered along by my ankles, emitting little chirps and merps as I went through the morning routine.

"Morning Pex, what's the status on our latest haul?"

"I am sorry Hague, I do not compute the question."

"Do you ever say anything else?"

"Yes."

"Wonderful."

The crunch exploded into the closed space of the storage bay. I've never seen an android flinch before.

"What the hell?"

"I am sorry Hague, I do not compute the question."

"Oh shut up!"

I spun around, feeling my brows hit my hairline at the sight of Mr. Tibbles contentedly munching on a piece of scrap metal. "That is unexpected." To my horror, the beast opened its maw, much wider than its physiology suggested possible, revealing a veritable trash compactor of a mouth, chock full of teeth facing in a mish mash of directions. That mouth was a train wreck. It bit down on the hull plating, neatly taking away a massive chunk that it chewed with a shocking lack of noise, as if the fur was a muffler. Okay, I'm not proud, I stared at the ferret bug space goat eating my trash haul for several minutes before Pex politely coughed. I glared at the droid. I'm 70% sold on the idea the 'I am sorry Hague, I do not compute the question,' is some twisted AI sense of humor.