Becoming Normal

Note from me

I hope you all enjoyed this story, I know I had a lot of fun writing it. I was hoping to finish this book during April since April is Autism Awareness month, and because of that, I have some things I wanna say.

Now you probably know that I wrote this story based on my life, even though not everything I wrote actually happened to me, it's mainly just the Asperger's. Just like Autumn, I was diagnosed with Asperger's when I was 14, and just like her, it was after a mental breakdown. My family and I always thought that I was just plain shy, but after being pressured into making friends and being more social caused by my family, I suffered from depression that led to my mental breakdown. And because of my breakdown, my family took me to a counselor where I discovered my disability. I didn't know what it was back then, but after doing some research, I realized that all of my strange flaws were because of Asperger's.

But even though I finally knew what was wrong with me, I still didn't feel better. I became shyer to make friends and be who I am because I've been teased in the past more my odd behavior. Like Autumn, I've always been afraid to make friends because I always lose interest in them, and sometimes I don't even know. I haven't had a best friend since the 2nd grade, and because my family and I were always moving, I lost touch with her, and I haven't had a best friend since.

Ever since I discovered about my Asperger's, I've always been alone, and like Autumn, on one hand, I don't mind it, but on the other, I don't wanna be alone my whole life. Making friends is one of my biggest desires and greatest fears, like Autumn, all of the people I thought were my friends in the past turned out fake. They would always give me weird looks whenever I tried to be myself, and when I tried to be social with them, they would ignore me. Sometimes I thought it was better to be alone, so that way no one could hurt me.

Now all of those things Autumn told Tanner in chapter 33 were the truths of how I feel about myself. I've been so alone most of my life that I forgot what it was like to have friends, and like her, it's a change that I can't handle. Right now, I'm about to go into a college in a small community with nice people who make me feel like I fit in, and even though I'm glad I'm going, I'm still scared that my Asperger's will get in the way, threatening my friendships and making me alone again. The only thing I can do is just hope and fight through, hope that I make friends who never leave my side, and accepts me for me.

Now about the romance in this story, it's never happened to me before. I've only had one boyfriend in my life, I thought I was in love, but turns out it wasn't, just a crush. We've dated for about 7 months, and even though I had a lot of fun with him and he's given me the experience of dating, I realized that I wanted to explore dating more with other people, and he allowed that, so no drama. I haven't talked to him since we split, mainly because my family and I had to move again and he was busy with college since he's slightly older than me, I am currently single, and I don't even know if I'm ready to fall in love yet.

Just like finding friends, falling in love is another of my biggest desires and greatest fears, I've never been in love before, and it's a feeling I wanna feel before I die. But because of my Asperger's, it prevents me from expressing my feelings about love, making it appear that I can't love, and this is what I hate the most of having Asperger's. Like Autumn, I can't handle being touched, I'm even uncomfortable when my parents touch me, and whenever they want to hug me, I let them do it and I hug back to show that I do love them, but on the inside it's killing me to allow myself to be touched, and I feel like a horrible person because of it.

I don't want anyone to think that I'm a selfish and cold-hearted person, because I'm not, my Asperger's just makes me appear that way. I do feel emotions, and I do love, but I just have my own ways of expressing my feelings. Like Autumn, if I wanted to show someone that I love them, I'd write them a letter or a poem, but unlike her, I haven't done it before. But writing is the only way I'm comfortable with expressing my feelings, mainly because I don't have to talk and that makes me more nervous when I have to. But that doesn't mean I never want to talk to anyone, once I'm comfortable with someone, I do a lot of talking, almost to a level of annoyance, I can't help myself, but that's who I am.

Now the reason I wanted to write this story is that I want to show everyone that anyone with Asperger's can have a love story too, even though me as the author has never experienced falling in love before. But I've seen it happen, I've seen people who are different find love, and it makes me so happy that there's still hope that the same thing could happen to me one day. Ever since I was young, I've always dreamed about falling in love with the right guy, getting married, and having a family of my own, and I still do, to be honest. But I know I shouldn't rush things, because love takes time. Even though Autumn and Tanner found each other during high school, I can wait, I just hope it's not too late when it does come.

I do know what love is, I see it everywhere, and I have the idea of what it feels like. But until it happens to me, I'll just keep doing my thing, like writing more romance stories for example. And I just hope that my future husband will help me through my struggles, and loves everything about me, even my Asperger's. I may have a lot of flaws, but we all do, and I just hope that mine doesn't ruin my love life, I won't allow it.

Having Asperger's is a battle I have to fight with every day, but I'm getting stronger. Now that I'm going into college, I feel more grown up than I ever felt, but I have to keep fighting. I don't know what the future holds for me, but I'll be ready for it. But until that happens, I'm gonna keep doing what I love and just write, write down my stories for everyone to read, stories that were written by an Aspie. Even though I'm not proud of some of them, I do it anyway, because I love it.

Happy Autism Awareness month, have a nice day :)