Numb Pain

Chapter 27

New update! Not much to say, but a little bit of a filler. Thanks for reading and we love you! Please vote/comment, it makes us so happy(:

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Part of me figures I should see someone such as a psychiatrist or therapist, just to sort out my head. I don't know if I can go on like this, imagining or not, my love and dead child constantly appearing wherever I may be. Are they real? If Ethan were here would he see them too? Perhaps. Perhaps not. Maybe he'd only see me smiling or listening to whispers that are not there, determined that I have been driven insane by some invisible force. I know the best thing for me would be to see someone, but maybe I can't right now. I'm holding on, even though Jai isn't here anymore. If I openly spoke to someone about it, and Jai's spirit really was visiting me, would he class it as betrayal and leave me forever? I couldn't possibly cope. It may be hypocritical but in Jai's occasional visits, apparently when I need his comfort most, he keeps me sane. At the same time, I'm going insane in just seeing him. My life is fucking messed up.

As Jai, or the hallucination, leaves me standing alone in the kitchen, my legs turn to jelly. If it were not for my desperate determination to stand, I would've fallen. My head is awash with the threat of becoming crazy and I sink to my knees, placing my head in my hands and finding I am unable to cry. Though the angry thoughts have surpassed my mind so many a time before, I still cannot prevent them. What did I do to deserve this hell? I always give my everything to everyone whom deserves it, and sometimes even those who don't. Yet I never get anything back. Or, if I do by some miracle, it will soon be taken away.

I glance upwards to the clock that hangs on the wall opposite me. Its ticking serves as a constant reminder of the turmoil time has put me through. Time never did me any good. Counting away the seconds, minutes, days and hours until some other horror threatens to overtake me, never leaving a spare moment for me to sort things out. Jai, Ethan, Rosalie and George. And now Jai's mother. How can anyone expect me, a mere 20 year old girl whose abusive boyfriend committed suicide, who fell half in love with another man, who gave birth to twins and lost one to the unfairness of her life? I used to think of myself as rather unextraordinary. But now I can think again; perhaps I am not extraordinary in a way that particularly stands out, but I am extraordinary in my emotional strength. Through all of this, I have cried, I have screamed, and I have silenced myself for the ease of not having to speak. But I am still standing. It surprises me. I'm surprised I still have the strength to stay alive.

The clock continues to tick, incessantly nagging at me that it is almost time for Ethan to return. I don't think I want him to. Wouldn't it just be so much easier if he was left out of all this mess? As if my life wasn't fucked up enough, I cannot stand fucking up someone else's life in the process. I begin to gather myself, lifting my feeble frame from the floor and dusting off my trousers just as the door clicks open. I offer a weak smile in the direction of the hallway, guessing it is Ethan, unless the witch that is Mrs Verona decided she wasn't satisfied with my screaming. It wouldn't surprise me.

His soft voice breaks my awkward silence, and I do not even find time to look up before his gentle thumb brushes my cheek. "Ellie...you've been crying?" his question is as much for himself as for me. I didn't realise that while I sat, quietly dwelling on the hell of my life so far, tears have streaked themselves down my cheeks to leave ugly makeup stains across my skin. His voice is soothing, but I hate that. In short term, he is a blessing to me. He keeps me sane, wipes my tears and offers me hugs when I need them most. However in longterm I know I will only grow attached, and I can't afford attachment to anyone but my son right now. With a ghost whom keeps taunting me in his crazy presence, I cannot fall in love with someone else. I only fear it is too late.