Castiel's Diary

Day 7

This day was full of emotions. Sometimes I don't know when a day is full or not. Because I know that lately I am too overwhelmed by situations around me. So I prefer to lock myself or keep people away until I feel like I am ready to interact with anyone again. Thank God, Dean understands. So Sam. Sam is way more distant than he used to be. I know the little brother prefers to stay away from complex states like this.

So today I walked in the main room that the boys were sitting. Both looked surprised at me. I surely was unshaved and my hair and clothes messed up. I still wear the same AC/DC shirt that Dean gave me four days ago. But for a minute, I felt I wanted to be around them. I wanted to pay attention to them, and not to my self pity.

"How are you?" both asked as I sat in the couch next to Sam, Dean standing in the library.

"Better, if you all stopped asking and remind me I am not ok." I sighed in a really mean, and sarcastic tone that I didn't want to use. Then I looked down ashamed. "Sorry. What I meant was that I might am better" I whispered and heard them sighing. In anger or relief as I hope...

Both were silent so I came back to my room. Dean is yelling my name for a reason. He might thinks I feel alone. I do sometimes but I also have no idea what I actually need anymore. I'll go check at him.

---

Dean forced a big smile at me, like he always does when I am down, and throw me a book. "I was searching how to kick the asses of the ones who hurt you..." he started and I wanted to interrupt him, to tell him not to even dare something like that, but he stopped me. "... but I thought it would be better to go for a hunt since you feel better." he said and grinned at me.

I looked at him upset. I wasn't able to hunt yet. Not in any way. Not ever again maybe. I only knew that I was scared. Not only about angels, I was scared at being out there, in that much adrenaline and stress. I would totally freak out. I moved my head as no and stepped back.

Dean looked at me worried, searching something to his bag. "Come on Cas, it can be really fun, kick some asses like we used to once" Dean said in a nostalgic tone, wanting me to unstress. Then he did a smiling face like he found what he was searching to his bag and I saw what it was. An angel blade. He took it and offered to me. "Welcome back in the game." he said.

I stepped back freaking out. I stared at the blade, as memories from the repeat of the cuts and healing in heaven stuck to my head again. For a year being tortured like that and in more ways no one can imagine. I held my head wanting to cry.

Dean's posture, holding the blade,was exactly as it was up there. But his smile in heaven was evil, he wanted to torture me bad, this Dean hated me and thought I wasn't his family. That I was an abomination and disappointed everyone. I know all there were right. They were. Even if it was Raphael, transformed as Dean, or Gabriel, or Sam, Balthazar and the least of the people I hurt goes on...

Because the worse part that when was up there was that Raphael got into my head and learned all my weaknesses.

I freaked out and rushed to my room, locked in the bathroom. I am still there. I can't do this. I can't get better. I hurt everyone I know by only existing. I hate that.

---

It's been an hour I am crying here.

Shit, I don't know if I'll even write to this stupid diary again. It's useless. Only if Dean wants to have something that left from me. To know that I loved him, but I loved him too much that I couldn't stand fail him. I don't know what is gonna happen next. My visions returned. I thought I was over but my visions returned. Dammit. Dean is screaming from the outside not to do anything stupid but I am not sure what is the smart choice anymore...

This might be the end of this diary. It didn't help at all. An angel blade screwed everything I hoped to have in future. I am crying and laughing now. WHAT FUTURE?