Castiel's Diary

Day 1

I knew that the pain once would end. I knew that I would find myself again. My good old self. The one that saw the whole world like a miracle. The one that had more questions that someone could answer. The one that saw a deeper meaning into everything. Now? The only thing I could think was how to end this day. How to end this as more painless as I could.

I knew I wasn’t alone. I had Dean with me. I had him next to me, saying me that he loved me, that he would always be here to hear me. And I believed him. I fucking believed him. And then I had no idea where to turn and ask for help. Ask for someone to hear me. Just to hear me. Because I had so pain inside me that Dean didn’t deserve to know. Being human was more difficult to me than anyone. I was in the top of the world and I fell in a moment. Like my whole past, my experiences was actually nothing.

By closing to myself I protected the people I loved. I protected them from my despair. No one deserved to live what I lived. No one should ever take that much pain alone. And Dean sees that I pain. He can see how broken my soul is. He just sees into my eyes and I can understand he gets everything. At the beginning he was mad at me. That I was closing to myself. He was yelling at me. I was crying and Sam did his best to make me feel better. Later Dean started understanding that he wasn’t the problem. I was. Me and my past. Today I managed to eat a little. He came to my room and gave me a toast. I wasn’t hungry, but the look on his face… Begging me to eat. He didn’t have to talk. I thanked him and ate. He sat with me silently for a few time and he left me to sleep now. I just hoped that I would be able by writing my thoughts to feel better. I know it is stupid but… I should try to sleep now…