Castiel's Diary

Day 3

It is really difficult to sleep. I just can't. My whole body hurts. My scars are hurting even more as time pass. I thought they would heal but they get even worse. And the worst part they remind me the whole time of this awful place. It is a permanent reminder of what I've been through. I really want my life to end.

Today again Dean came to my room. He is close to my situation. Exhausted, tired. I think he lost weight. His hair is messy and his clothes wrinkled. He sat next to me again. I was a big mess. He looked at me full of sadness. "Cas, please." He took my hand to get up and sit in the bed. He crossed his arm around me and hugged me softly. Suddenly he took off my suit jacket, my vest and my shirt with my tie. I didn't have the power to complain and resist. "Dean, I don't want now... Please, I don't have the power" I said thinking that Dean wanted us to do something that now I didn't.

"Cas, don't leave yourself like that. It is not what you think. Just let me help you. You need a shower. You need to take care of yourself." That's what he said. And I leaned to his shoulder, wanted to cry. I felt so fragile, so broken. I wanted to scream.

He gently hugged me. He took me to the bathroom. He almost carried me to the bathroom. He put me on the tab and opened the water. As the water fell to my body I felt a bit relieved. I sighed and he did his best to help me shower. But I was just curled up, hugging my knees, sitting froze as he washed my hair.

He took me out of the tub and I took a towel to dry. I felt so exhausted and I sat for a minute on the floor, breathing deep and stable. Dean seemed even more worried. He took a razor and shaved me. Yes, I had left a beard. I wasn't able to care about how I looked. Not now. The whole time that Dean took care of me, dressed me, I was just starring with an empty gaze. I was feeling so helpless.

I don't want him to see me like that. But I have no choice. I didn't want him to take care of me like I was a damn child. I know he wanted to help, but I didn't want help. I just wanted him to be ok. And being like that, I was being a burden to him and Sam. He watched me, at the worst time in my life. And I hated it. He deserved more. Not to take care of my broken little soul. I know that he did that with his heart but I hurt him like hell. And this is the less I want now.

He took me to the bed. Both of us laid to the bed. Dead silence in the room. I shivered and Dean hugged me and covered us with the blanket.

Dean slept, but I couldn't again. I am sitting in the bathroom now. I try so hard. Dean is sleeping outside in my bed. I don't know what to do. I think to take the medications that Dean said but I don't know the side effects and I can't handle them too... I should go inside again before Dean realizes that I am not next to him.