Castiel's Diary

Day 5

It's night. Still problems to sleep. I still see Gabriel yelling at me. That I disappointed him. I wish I could make the nightmares to disappear and sleep for just one day peacefully. I realized that I write this diary only the days I have big problems to rest. I truly can't handle it anymore... But what should I do... I mean... I have no idea what is wrong with me.

He came to my room again today. Dean. "I want you to talk. We need to do this conversation a long time." "Fuck off" I ansewered angry. I hate talking to him like that. But sometimes I can't hold myself. I want to say so many inappropriate things, to express how I feel with the worst way I can. But Dean isn't my fault and I feel guilty every single time. Thank God, Dean is never mad at me and understands me. So, like he did the other times, he sat next to me in the bed. I was a reck as usual. "Cas how do you feel?" he asked. "Exactly the way I look" I said sharply. I really needed my alone time. As I thought. I actually need him here, to know he is here but no talking. No talking. I am not able to deal with anything yet.

So, as he was staring at me full of sadness, I got even more angry. I didn't want anyone to be pity by me. So I stood up and walked away, locked to my bathroom. The last thing I needed was him to start judging and comforting. He stood behind the locked door. "Cas... come on..." he begged. "I want to take a shower" I said with a sharp tone again. And I did. I took off my clothes, not looking to the mirror as my face and my whole body had scars and I was so ashamed. I got in the tub with slow, careful moves and opened the water. A hot shower is one of the few things that really calm me. As the water was falling to my body, I have to admit I felt relieved.

A few moments later I heard Dean, picking the lock and then he got in. I blushed and felt totally ashamed. Dean stared at me because I seemed upset. "Come on Cas, I have seen you naked after Heaven so many times" he said, but I was still ashamed, not staring to his eyes, but staring down. Lately I couldn't stare to his eyes. I was feeling that he could feel my pain and I hated that. So he smiled at me softly, trying to calm me, as I let the water falling to my head, not paying attention how cold it was. I was just staring down. He took off his clothes and then I blushed even more and stared away. "Cas... Come on baby, it's not that big deal" he said. His voice... Aww... this voice when he was saying my shortened name could make me melt, no matter how I was.

So then, he was standing in front of me, naked, so close that I could feel his breath. He smiled and twitched when he saw how cold the water was. "Damn Cas, you'll get a cold, the water is freezing!" he said loud and I stepped back anxious. He fixed the water and then took me to his arms. "Sorry... I just worry" he whispered and I started crying again. How much I hate the noise I make when I cry... It's so annoying... He was hugging me, and I crossed my arms around his neck, and still looking down, pressing my head to his chest. I felt safe to his arms like I always do. I felt for a minute I could be safe, not that hurt, not haunted. Like I could breath for a damn minute... Why life has to hurt that much?

So, a few moments later - none of us wanted to take a bath anymore, we were just staring to each other- he got out from the tub. I curled up, sitting in there and he silently got dressed, he took a towel and wrapped me in it. Then my heart melt when he carried me to my bed. He gave me a plain, white t-shirt and pants to get dressed. Then he gave me a glass of water and medications for God-knows-what. I refused. I knew that they had so many side effects. I had seen that before. But the funny part js that I care for the side effects of antidepressants and I don't care for the way my feelings are eating my soul. Life is funny. Human mind is funny. I finally took the medications again and then he left. I thought he left me saying nothing but he came back with a bowl of soup. I covered my head with the sheets and told him to go. Then I heard him walking away and I couldn't help but saying a simple thank you.

I will thank Dean. For everything he does for me. But maybe later. Maybe when I feel better again. Now, you might ask: You know you'll feel better again? No, I am sure I won't, but I can't leave Dean with false hopes so I try. I try like hell...