Finding Finley ✔

28

"You sure you want to do this? We can come back some other time if you've changed your mind." I've been offering Kit the chance to back out ever since we got on the interstate, and every time he says that he's ready, that I don't need to turn around.

Now we're sitting in the circular driveway, and he's staring at the house like it's haunted. I know that look, I've sat here with that same look and those same feelings before.

"No, I'm good. Lets go." Kit opens the door to my jeep and steps out, his eyes glued to the front door.

It's weird to finally be the twin that isn't nervous or needing comfort. Kit has always been the one so sure of everything and ready to face whatever life throws at him, but right now the roles are reversed and for once I'm the one that is calm and confident.

I walk around the car and put an arm around Kit as we walk up the few steps to the front door. I had called yesterday, so unlike my previous visit they know that we're coming.

I ring the doorbell and can't help the smile that spreads across my face when I hear small feet running down the long entryway. 

The door opens with a struggle and I push it open to see Carson hanging off the handle, a huge smile on his face. When he sees the two of us standing there, he keeps moving his eyes back and forth between the two us of before finally settling on me, "Finn! I got a new toy, do you wanna see it?"

Ellie's words from a few years ago echo in my mind as the little boy in front of me identifies me. People who love you, they just know.

"Of course I want to see it, little man. But hey, say hi to Kit." 

Carson turns to Kit, the smile never leaving his face. "Hi Kit! Do you like superheroes too? Finn says you like Thor! I have his hammer!" 

I can sense the tension draining out of Kit as Carson excitedly chatters on and on about superheroes and his toy collection. Carson is what made my last visit so easy and relaxed, and I'm glad he's doing the same for Kit. 

Michelle is standing at the end of the hall, observing the three of us interacting and I give her a smile. "Carson, how about we come inside so we can see your toys and Kit can meet your mom."

"Okay! I'll go get my toys!" He takes off running towards his room while Kit and I enter the house, closing the door behind us. 

As Michelle and Kit introduced themselves to each other, our dad joins us, looking just as nervous as Kit did out in the car. The two of them share a look and then our dad breaks the silence. "Kit, would you like to come into my office for a moment?" 

Nodding his head, he shoots me a quick look before answering, "Yeah." 

The two of them headed off to the same office where just weeks ago our dad had sat with me, explaining the same story and reasoning to me that he's probably explaining to Kit now. Michelle is sitting the table for dinner so I go to help her while waiting for Carson to come back with his new toys.

"You know, he's really happy to have the two of you back in his life. It may not seem like it, but he is. He regrets not fighting harder for you, Finn. When we heard about Kit's tumor it killed him to not be there for him, or you for." She hands me a handful of napkins and I start placing them next to the plates she had already set out.

"We can't change the past." I'm done thinking about what could have happened if things had been different. I'm done letting the feeling of abandonment control my life, I just want to live in the now and finally be happy.  

My brother is healthy and happy, my anxiety is almost completely snuffed out but I'm still going to see a therapist starting next week, my dad is back in my life and making a real effort, and I have an amazing girlfriend that for some reason loves me just as much as I love her - I'm happy and I don't want to think about anything other than that.