Dear Diary • Yoongi [Single Father Extra]

Entry #3

They found Jimin. Or I guess we did, or Dad did, or whatever. The details are messy and unimportant. But Jimin is back. He's with us now. He's actually one wall away from me, in the room right next to ours. I wonder if he's sleeping right now? Jin and Hobi are. I can't write in here unless they're sleeping or if I bring this book in the bathroom with me and lock the door because I'm scared that they'll find it one day and open it and read it and learn what a horrible person I am. I mean, they already think that, but there's a difference between being an asshole and actually thinking about things that would make people want to throw up.

With that lovely introduction...

I haven't actually had a lot of horrible thoughts lately. I've been too preoccupied with Jimin returning. I don't really know how to treat him. He's the same old Jimin but he's not. I don't know how to explain in. Maybe if he'd been gone for a few days or a month, it would be easier. But five years is a long fricking time. That's about half as long as I've been alive. For half of my entire life, Jimin had been absent. That's a lot to think about.

I want to be nice to him. I mean, he's probably had a screwed up childhood, although he hasn't talked about it much. But the problem is that I'm not actually a nice person. But I don't want to be mean to him either...I just don't know. It's hard to fall back into an old routine if the routine is five years old and you can't remember how it used to go.

I'm also scared for a different reason. For Jimin, we're all new, like blank slates. He hasn't seen us in years, and he was psychologically abused in a manner of speaking. Basically brainwashed into thinking we didn't exist. That we were just figments of his imagination, which is also really screwed up, but that's something I can write about more later.

My point - I'm not sure if I have points any more, just loose circular reasoning - is that Jimin doesn't know about my ugly thoughts. He barely knows anything about me. In a way, Jimin is my opportunity to start over fresh. I can make myself into whoever I want to be, for Jimin, and he'll just think that that's how I've always been.

But am I ready to change? Am I even able to change?

If I weren't me, who would I become?

This type of thinking gives me a headache. I don't know who I am or who I want to be or who Jimin is anymore or who he wants me to be, and trying to figure it all out makes me frustrated.

I know what I wrote before, about not feeling loved. Can Jimin do that? Can he fill in the holes in my heart where everything drained out? Is it selfish of me to hope that he can? Is that too big of a burden to place on someone?

I don't know. Is it wrong to be selfish?

I'm asking too many questions to myself, questions that I obviously don't have an answer to. Or rather, I have answers, but I'm pretty sure they're wrong. Here we go:

1. I am selfish.

2. I don't think it's wrong to be selfish.

3. I want someone to love me. Not just passively. Actively. I want them to tell me. I want them to ask me how I'm doing and not stop when I say "fine" because obviously it's not fricking fine, when is anybody ever fine? I want them to calm my insecurities before my insecurities can reach out and claw at me. I want them to put in the effort instead of letting it always rest on me all the time to initiate everything. I want them to know when I'm not feeling well even if I don't say anything because I feel even more selfish if I have to beg for someone's attention outright. Instead of begging for love, I want it to be shoved at me. I want someone else to waste time thinking about how they could make me happy. I want someone else to know what sort of things make me happy. I want them to know that silence isn't a bad thing and that physical affection isn't a bad thing either. I want

Why am I writing this to myself?

I always feel stupid when I write in here. Sometimes I forget that the point of this book is to kill the thoughts in my mind. It was originally for the bad things, but I wonder if it can kill the good ones too?

It doesn't matter.

Frick, I lost my train of thought and now I don't know how to end this.

I'm tired, I want to sleep, and I can't tell if writing in here makes me less depressed or aggravates my dark emotions.

Whatever.

The end?

[Yoongi's Diary, Entry #3]