I Don't Do Sadness // Jyrus

heartache

TJ watched Cyrus walk away further from the school grounds. His head was bent down and he was staring at his shoes as he walked. He dragged his feet in the gravel of covering the sidewalk, coating his shoes in dirt. His hands were buried in his sweatshirt with his shoulders perked up to his ears.

"Cyrus!" TJ called out to him. Cyrus heard and stopped, turning to TJ. He kept his mouth shut and waited for TJ to catch up to him. Once he did, TJ placed his own hands in his pockets and greeted him awkwardly.

Cyrus was truly glad to see TJ, glad to see his friend, but wasn't up for talking. "How are you?" TJ asked in an attempt to curve the conversation to what was going on with Cyrus.

Cyrus shrugged. "I'm fine."

There was a short time of silence for Cyrus to continue the conversation, which he did not. It didn't bother Cyrus, it bothered TJ. The silence was tugging at his ears. "So, uh. What's been up with you?" He asked.

Cyrus looked up from his shoes, startled. "What?" He asked.

"Well, you just seem kind of distant," TJ pointed out.

Cyrus shrugged once again and turned to walk away, saying, "Oh, I'm fine."

TJ reached out and grabbed his arm. Cyrus' heart stopped beating. "Are you sure?" TJ asked, staring right into Cyrus's brown eyes.

Cyrus' breath hitched in his throat. It was like TJ knew what was going on with him. He was just staring straight into him. He looked back down at his shoes to avoid eye contact and went to open his mouth to protest, but just nodded instead. He could feel tears collecting in his eyes and TJ let go of his arm.

TJ took a step back from Cyrus and crossed his arms. Cyrus sensed that it was the time to turn and go, but he just couldn't and looked back up to TJ's stern face. "I don't believe you," TJ stated.

He looked back down at his shoes, feeling defeated. "What's wrong?"

The tears fell. Cyrus stayed staring at his feet and sobbed. TJ opened his arms and pulled Cyrus into a hug. "Do you want to go to the swings?" TJ asked into Cyrus' head. Cyrus nodded and they walked down the sidewalk a little farther to the park, TJ's arm around Cyrus.

They sat on the swings, both of them not moving. Cyrus had stopped crying and was just staring down at the wood chips underneath him while TJ sat patiently and watched him.

Cyrus ran through his head and thought about what was wrong with him. He had been feeling fine but within the past month he was always feeling upset. He didn't even know why. It was just like a blanket of sadness was just draped over him. He had just figured that it could be from the stress of his Bar Mitzvah, or watching Jonah try to win Andi over when he was all that Cyrus longed for. He told all of this to TJ. How jealous he was of Andi, the ache in his heart, the Bar Mitzvah madness, and especially his mother trying to make him look like her picture perfect Jewish son. And how broken she'd be if she found out what was wrong with him.

"And I had another fitting for my suit yesterday and she was mad when I told her that I wasn't going to wear the suit that she picked out."

He had told her, "But, Jonah likes this one."

And she fired back with, "And I like this one. Isn't your mother's opinion worth more than your friend's?"

He remembered the word friend. He wished his mother could understand why Jonah's opinion mattered to him. He wished he could introduce Jonah to his mother as more than just his friend.

TJ told him, "Maybe you should tell your mom."

Cyrus' head shot up from the ground and he looked at TJ, shocked. "I can't tell her."

TJ shrugged. "Why not?"

"Because she's my mom," Cyrus blurted out. "She'll hate me."

"She won't hate you," TJ assured, shaking his head.

"Besides, she's just one parent. I have four, plus countless of relatives to come out to."

TJ shrugged. "Just do it all at once," he suggested, like it was nothing.

Cyrus knew, though, that there was no way he could do it all at once. His entire family was never in the same room. He'd have to look at the faces of his disapproving parents and relatives multiple times during the multiple painstaking times he'd have to tell them. "I can't, we're never all together."

"Just do it at your Bar Mitzvah," TJ said.

At your Bar Mitzvah. That was it. That could be perfect. Cyrus thought that that was a fool proof plan. It's his day of self discovery, it's his celebration, no one could get mad at him and he could tell everyone he cared about at the same time.

"Hm," Cyrus thought about it. "Yeah. That'd be good."

TJ smiled at him, making Cyrus blush. "Um, are you coming to it?" Cyrus asked him in an attempt to change the topic.

"Totally," TJ smiled again and jumped off his swing.

As he walked away, he patted Cyrus' back. And it was the first time in a while that Cyrus felt truly happy. And loved.