Cotton Candy Bruises

13. Numb

Alex sat in the therapists office silently picking at his fingers, and bouncing his knee.

He waited for the blonde to come and ask him questions he'd heard a thousand times before.

She walked in and shut the door behind her, walking through the bare, boring room.

The gray walls and plain carpet didnt offer Alex any sense of comfort, instead they made him feel more out of place.

The blonde sat across from him.
"Hi, im Laura and i'm your therapist."
She smiled, holding out her hand.

Alex shook the woman's hand and attempted to smile back. "Im Alex, but im sure you knew that already."

Laura nodded, and placed her clipboard in her lap. "We'll start with easy, simple questions. Then we can work our way up, how's that sound Alex?"

Alex nodded. "Sounds good," he stared at the blank carpet.

Laura got her pen ready. "Okay, when do you think you became depressed?" She questioned.

"When my parents died," he answered simply.

The quick escalation caused him to feel very uncomfortable.

Nicole wrote his words down, and picked up the pen. "You probably felt a great amount of grief, and went to great measures to attempt to make yourself feel better, didnt you?" She asked.

Alex nodded slowly. "I tried to kill myself," he paused, "twice."

Laura frowed and the scribbles of the pen began making Alex irritated.

"Are you feeling any of those thoughts now?" She asked, watching him.

Alex began to shake his head, but stopped himself. "I-im not sure. I mean, i think about dying but i could never kill myself. Im too scared of hurting the one person who does love me. But other than that, i dont have much to live for. So, if she leaves me then i'll probably end up trying again."

Laura watched him carefully, she could practically see the anxiousness in his eyes.

"Alex, i think you need to try and focus on the several other things that you have to live for. There are so many things that you havent done, but for now, i think that its best to put you on a medication to help you with those thoughts and feelings." She smiled, sadly.

Alex tried to think about the things that he did have to live for, but the only thing that appeared in his mind was Nicole.

"I dont wanna be a zombie," he sighed.

Laura frowned, "they wont be forever, Alex. You'll only have to be numb for a while."

Alex shook his head. "Will i still be able to feel love?" He asked, concerned.

Laura nodded. "Of course, just not the bad things." She smiled softly.

Alex spoke out randomly. "Sometimes i think about dying like my parents did," his eyebrows furrowed, "in a car crash," he paused, "i mean, i have a fast, nice car." He smiled slightly.

Laura shook her head, and leaned a bit closer to him. "I think Nicole should drive from now on." She teased.

Alex scoffed. "You're right." He smiled.

Laura looked up at the clock sitting on the wall. "Time's up, Alex." She frowed.

Alex stood up, and began opening the office door. "Thankyou," he smiled.

Laura smiled back. "Take care of yourself, see you next week." She said,  closing the door behind him.

Alex walked out of the building with shaky, overwhelmed thoughts. The talk didnt go deep into his problems, but even scratching the surface could wreck him.

When Alex was younger, after his parents died in a car crash he was afraid to even look at a car. This meant that he isolated himself inside of his house, afraid to even look out of the window. His biggest fear at the time was to see a car that was identical to his parents.

Now, Alex isnt afraid of cars, but everytime he talks about what happened, they make him nervous.

He got into his car, and the loud engine scared him as it came alive. 

He drove off towards his house, he was having a rough day, and maybe Nicole could help him. 

Nicole loved to be used, sometimes she'd even beg. 

Alex thought about the things he'd do to her when he got home as he drove. 

When Alex pulled into to the driveway he had anxious thoughts begin bubbling up in his mind, then pop. 

What if she doesnt wanna be with me because i have to take medication? He asked himself. 

The mountain of ''what if's?" continued to grow in his oh so fragile mind, and by the time he walked through the door they were eating him alive. 

A bright Nicole came to the door, and as soon as he saw her a sense of comfort washed over him and all of the feelings that he had previously been feeling disappeared. 

"How was it?" She asked, with a concerned tone. 

Alex held up the small white paper bag that contained his prescription medicine, and frowned. 

Nicole's expression didnt change much, but in her mind she was glad that Alex was finally getting help, even if it meant that it came in the form of a pill. 

"Im gonna be a zombie," he sighed. 

Nicole shook her head. "It'll be okay, Alex."

Alex let himself sink into Nicole as she wrapped her arms around him. 

"I found a house in New York," he breathed into the soft fabric of her sweater.