Dysfunction (Discontinued)

Baby faced Bia (New chapter)

Please listen to music linked with chapter

What do you do when the girl you love hates you? Or at least that's what I thought. The first night alone in my new home I didn't even sleep, I just stayed up staring at the television till my eyes burned. I wanted to find a way to hit her up but how could I do that without showing up at her house ?

Ever since I could remember I've always been able to detach. I detached from people, trauma, events and even emotion when I had to. I knew how to put things off. I knew how to put things off for years but the moment I realized that Bia wouldn't be laying beside me the next day, it envoked something in me. The problem was...I put most of my emotions away for so long I couldn't identify what it was. I was upset but I was also angry and yet...there was an empty feeling there. Like the same empty feeling I felt after I realized my dad was gone. The same empty feeling I felt growing up without my mom. I realized the potential Bia and I had.

I never regret anything. I took everything as a lesson learned wether my plan failed or not, but the possibilities of me and Bia. The possibilities of what we could have been. The missed opportunities for a baby...a family..a stable life after all the money we racked in. That's the only thing I regret, missed oppurtunities to make things right. The truth was that I didn't want to be a better man without her. There was no point in going on when she wouldn't be in my life like she had all these years. Yet and still I had to make the effort just so I knew she didn't hold hate in her heart for me. I didn't want her to cringe every time she saw me. I thought that maybe if I made some improvement it could lessen our tension. My chest physically hurt when I thought about her and I didn't understand that feeling. That feeling didn't come too often. It was physically painful to not be with her now ? How long would that feeling last ? Would it ever go away ? Was it supposed to feel this way to lose her ? I truly didn't know.

Perhaps I deserved the pain. Still, every minute was painful especially when I played back everything in my head. The night we first slept together, the night I taught her how to shoot, the day I taught her hand to hand combat. The night she cried in my arms for the first time because she trusted me enough to see her let her guard down. Our night at a carnival she begged me to go to, or some of our movies dates. Everything I had taken for granted. The emptiness of the house was enough to set me off. I hated not smelling her scent float around the house. I hated not hearing the background noise of her on the phone with her friends. I hated not smelling the food she took so much time to cook just for me. I hated not hearing the sound of her footsteps coming down the hall. I hated her thigh no longer being on me just because of the closeness she craved. I hated not looking over and seeing her sitting beside me. I hated waking up from another nightmare and not seeing her laying beside me. I hated how her hand didn't reach over and grab onto me as I shook through the night with cold sweats. The last peaceful moments we had together...I would have cherished had I known this emptiness would be waiting for me....

Six years with the woman I should have married the minute we left Massachusetts. Six years with the woman who was once the mother of my child. All those years down the drain just like that. When you've been with somebody that long in some ways you already feel married. You get used to their touch or could predict what they said next. You knew how they like their coffee and all their pet peeves. That was us, a shared comfortability. A home though rocky, was still a better home than either of us ever really had.

The first week was tough. I spent most of the week just staring out the window and blasting the house with music. Our belongings were dropped off to our homes and thankfully my stash was tucked in a special box I kept dedicated to my father. In it contained his journal, his jewelry, his cologne, his hair brush and his favorite pen. I rolled one up and finally got the relief I was looking for, the problem is that I smoked everything up by the end of Tuesday. I only smoked to lighten the mood of things and it wasn't a necessity for me to have it. However, during  times like this where I felt the walls were closing in on me...I wanted it. Once I was out of that it was back to music and staring at the wall. I looked through our old albums that were sent straight to me instead of her. She wanted absolutely none of our memories...but the problems was that our memories were in almost everything we owned. They were engrained into the pillows, photo albums, wine glasses, our clothes, shoes ect. Everything carried a memory and that's why almost everything was delivered to my home instead of hers. Her fur coats were here, half of her jewelry was here...everything.