His Best Kept Secret | FACK [COMPLETED]

Chapter 30: Later

It was raining outside when I got home. The water ran in little streams across the window. I was trying to forget about the way my chest was sinking back into my seat. Avery decided to sit with his girlfriend so I was alone, which is the worst thing someone could be before doing something so terrifying. My mind drifted from one terrible thing to another, like a feather falling and being pushed by the wind. I looked down at my phone and looked at the last picture Finn sent me, it was a picture of him and Noah. Finn was taller than him and had his arm wrapped around Noah's shoulders.

I love you. I sent him. The three bubbles popped up and he sent I love you too. I can't ruin this. If she finds out she'll ruin it all.

Should I just keep him a secret? It would be much easier that way. The world around me doesn't need to know–she doesn't have to know. When Finn visits she'll stare at me like she did in Toronto, with her angry eyes, but that's fine, I can live with that, I have before. And if I wasn't to tell her, things would get worse. What if she caught Finn and me kissing? Or us cuddling or us telling each other how we truly feel, in one of those intimate moments when you're alone in the dark surrounded by outlines of shadowy grey furniture and tiny beams of lights from electronics. Things would get worse, I knew that it was just a matter of when. Time always seemed to be against me, maybe it's against everyone. Maybe time (later) is what keeps people from doing what's important because later always seems like the better time. Later I thought. If not later, when? That was the title of the first part of a novel called Call Me By Your Name, which I read at a bookstore and had to put away quickly before my mom caught me looking at it. Later is something that I will always be chasing, wanting, but something I'd also try not to catch. I will always keep it ten feet in front of me and even when I feel that I have it in me to catch it, I will still keep it ten feet away because later will always feel better, later is not dealing, later is–

Then the school bus came to a hard stop. My house was to my left with my mom's car nowhere to be seen. Later was playing with me. I wanted to get it over with, like ripping off a band-aid, which is an overused cliche, but it's the truest cliche. If I didn't use the courage I had built up on my way here, later would gain its ground again, and I might get close to it again, but I would never truly be as close as I am now. If I do wait, I know that the next time I see later it won't be because I wanted to see it. 

I said goodbye to Avery and went inside my house, everything was still. I hadn't told my mom about the wall yet, she probably already knew. The house seemed like it wasn't mine anymore like I had entered some other reality where the house was almost exactly the same as I left it this morning, yet everything still feels very wrong.

I put my backpack down in my room and sat down on my bed. I began to feel the weight people do just before they make a life-changing decision, which is what this was. Regardless of her reaction, nothing would be the same again. This stirred the pot of terrible thoughts in my mind again. What if she got mad or what if she had kicked me out like she with my dad? Should I pack a bag just in case? Who would help me? Jaeden and his mom are away shooting something, Finn is in Atlanta, everyone else from the cast is doing their own thing...It will be fine I thought. I packed a bag, put the essentials in, a couple pairs of boxers, a few t-shirts and jeans, and some shorts and socks. I placed it in my closet just in case things didn't go badly. I hoped they didn't.

Then the door clicked downstairs. I remember listening to her high heels as she walked toward the kitchen. Click, Click, Click. I heard the gasp of the refrigerator door as she opened it, then almost a minute later the clasping sound of her closing the door. Now was my time, I couldn't let Later persuade me otherwise. So I got up and walked toward my door but I froze. I looked at it, happy it was there. Later had become my door and it was keeping me from making it happen now. The way it felt, to have something that was keeping me from telling her, to have an obstacle in my way felt so comforting. I can do this later. It can happen later. I should focus on Finn and try to fix that before I try to tell her. Later felt right.