Jedi Night AU (Kanera)

Reflections

      Paintings covered the walls of the cave, a remnant of some ancient people long forgotten. They depicted the wolves, the people, and the great mountain that was the Jedi temple. But the deeper meaning of the images had long been lost. In the center of the cave was a raised platform, an alter, perhaps. A natural crevice in the rockface allowed for a single beam of light to penetrate the cave, falling on the alter.

    Kanan Jarrus knelt at this alter. In his mind, the white wolf's words still echoed.

     Dume.

     It had been a long time since anyone had called him by his given name. Not even Hera called him Caleb Dume, though she had been the first, and only person he trusted with that information. Kanan had convinced himself that Caleb Dume had died in the Clone Wars along with his master. The Jedi order was gone, and his padawan identity was no more. 

     And yet....

     Ever since he had met Hera, Kanan had found himself acting more and more like the Jedi he had sworn not to be. She had reminded him that some things are worth fighting for. She gave him hope. And then Ezra had come along, and Kanan had agree to take him on as a padawan, even though his own training was never completed. Though Kanan had to accept the Force in order to train Ezra, he still felt like a fraud. Who was he to train a padawan, when he was still one himself?

     After the events in the Jedi temple on Lothal, Kanan had finally received his knighthood. It had felt like such a relief at the time, a confirmation that he wasn't screwing everything up. Others believed in him; now he could finally start believing in himself. Then came Malachor, and his blindness, and everything changed. Who was he without his sight? How could he possible train Ezra with his disability? He began to distance himself from the others, thinking himself a burden to them. Even Hera couldn't bring him back to himself. It had taken the Bendu, and Ezra being in mortal danger, for Kanan to reconnect with the Force, and his friends. He had sworn that he would never again neglect those he loved, and he forgave himself for his shortcomings.

     But that was Kanan Jarrus he had forgiven. In all his years, Kanan had never fully made peace with Caleb Dume. Caleb Dume, the boy who had failed to save his master. Who had run instead of fought. Because of him, someone he loved had died. Well, not today. This was the day Caleb Dume stopped running. Today, he would fight to save the woman he loved.

     There was a reason padawans cut their braids once they were knighted. The severing of hair symbolized a new beginning, a new life. Many Jedi Knights chose to keep their hair short post-knighthood, to signify their devotion to the Jedi Order. Kanan reached back and felt his ponytail. His hair had been long since he had first rejected the Order, back when he was 15. It had felt wrong to cut his hair back then; like cutting his hair would be severing the padawan braid he was never allowed to touch. Well, Kanan was a Jedi Knight now, and so was Caleb Dume. It was time to stop running from his past.

     He reached forward and grasped the knife he had placed on the alter. In a single, fluid motion, he reached back and sliced off his ponytail. Each hair that fell was a past he accepted. Every lock that touched the ground was a sin forgiven. Next, he moved on to his beard. In his blindness, Kanan had never bothered to shave. Now, however, he ruthlessly scrapped the hair off his face. His past acknowledged, it was time to face the future.

     He was well aware that this mission might well be his last. He had struggled to accept the possibility, no, the probability of his death, but now... Things were different, somehow. He was at peace with himself, and he was at peace with his fate. He was more than prepared to sacrifice himself for Hera. He would do whatever it took to get her back.

     Kanan reached a hand back and felt his now- cropped hair. It wasn't perfect, but the job was done. He ran his hand across his smooth-shaven face. With his new look, Kanan embraced that identity he had so long kept hidden.

     No more running.

     It was time to fight.