Sanders Sides One Shots

9

Dear Diary,

I keep telling myself I'm going to stop. None of you deserve to be raked through my bullshit.

I know. Opening the note with a swear. Classy and completely out of character.

Things aren't getting better. Looking back, I don't think they ever were. I lied to everyone, including myself.

I'm going to start with the good news first. I owe it to you - and myself(?) - not to trudge straight into the negative.

I told my mom I like girls. I'm...not sure if boys are completely out of the picture, but I do know that I am at least a partial (raging) lesbian.

I suppose there's always that to hold on to.

My mom actually accepted it better than I thought. Of course, there was resistance, but we're okay. I feel better coming to terms with my sexuality, even if I'm not fully formed.

Maybe that's why your guys' compliments mean so much. Whenever one of you tells me I look hot or anything of the sort, I get so happy.

It's nice hearing it from people who care. It's nice hearing anything.

Yeah...

...

I can't ignore it forever.

I feel awful dragging you into this. I don't update in forever and when I do, I throw you back into mess you never asked for.

I'm so, so sorry.

I'm always sorry, but I never change.

My parents... I shouldn't be saying this. This is wrong.

My parents are...most likely splitting up within the year. The don't talk to each other. My mom is in love with someone else. My dad's faking love with me to get what he wants.

He never loved me. He's hated me. It's no secret.

I don't know how to feel. I feel like I'm living my life underwater, going through motions and running out of air. But everyone around me is breathing fine, moving fine.

Shouldn't I feel...something?

It's wrong to be empty. It's so wrong. Something's wrong.

My "friends" are back at it. Exclusion. Accusations. This time, people I thought were with me took their side. They joined the Group. They...said things to me. Lies and...insults?

Did I do something wrong? Am I really always at fault?

Why do you try and act like we're fine? We're not...

I'm spiraling again, I know. My former(?) crush is the ringleader. He's awful. I don't know why I couldn't open my eyes. I knew. What's worse than the exclusion and avoidance and everything else is when he acts friendly randomly.

He toys with me.

He just wants to hurt you. You saw what he did. You saw him.

I know he's trying to hurt me. He has to be! Why? What did I do to him?

Why, Zach?

You're saying too much.

I can't stop myself.

You're putting too much on them.

I'm drowning alone!

You have to lock it away. It's not their problem!

It hurts!

Hel-

No.

As humans, it is in our nature to suffer. Every single one of us.

However, some have adapted.

Instead of serving their sentence, they find vessels to shoulder more burden, so as to lift the weight of others.

I, for instance, am one of those vessels.

My anxiety is heightened so someone else's confidence can soar.

My depression is strong so someone else can exist in undisturbed happiness.

My existence is horrible so others can live in peace.

I am a Shoulderer of the evil and dark things everyone suffers through. That is why I am unwelcome. I am a composition of something people would rather forget.

I don't want to put you through this. I hate dropping my problems on you.

Our world was never perfect. It was always a picture of something we wished for taped over the shattered pieces of what we had.

But now it's worse.

I didn't think it was possible.

But apparently it was.

Does it ever stop?

Does it ever get better?

Does the pain ever go away?