Dear sad diary

Hungry?

June,14, 164/365   

Dear starving diary,

I'm really sorry I haven't write in a while, but my life is not a big deal; when you don't even go outside your house nothing really happens. So I have a question for you

Are you hungry?

I'm not. Not even close to that. I have always been that really thin child that spends a whole afternoon with the full dish of lunch in front of her. My mom always said that no matter what, i was not going to leave that table until i finished eating all of that. 

Well, I'm not a child and none of us have all that free time anymore. It's getting harder and harder to eat. I can't say I don't feel hungry sometimes, you know, when you haven't eaten for a while so your stomach kind of heats up? But i can affirm you that I can't eat. * I'm a paradox, right?*

 No, I don't think I have some kind of an eating disorder, i just don't feel like eating, like you know your body needs it, but your throat completely disagrees. It's been a battle even to eat. Can you believe that?

Ok, I can't deny. A couple of months ago I was really overthinking about my weight, feeling really really fat, and since then i haven't seen a balance for a long time- i believed that i was fat and tried to eat less. Almost everyday my dad come to pick me up at school, and we often go to a drugstare to buy my moms medicines. The same balance was there everyday, but i was too scared to put my feet up there. One day, I did. And I realized I didn't gain weight, but lost. 3 kg from my normal *the weight unit in here is kg* what made me smile. My dad saw the number and looked at me serious, like ''ARE YOU EATING?'' But the truth is yes dad, i am. BUT Yes, sometimes when I am serving lunch and I want to catch a big piece of steak I always think and pick the lowest; Besides my actual dish is full of salad what i always hated and refused to eat.  I would never do any of it last year. I do not know what's going on, I swear. I don't recognize me anymore. 

Please don't think at me as a stupid girl who wants to be thin. I always hated to be thin and not having curves so I have never worried about beeing fat, because I knew That was something that was far away from my reality. I have worked out last year and gained some curves. My weight was a little bit under of what i should have but who cares? i was still healthy. Now I'm even  thinner , and i cannot help controlling everything i eat. 

My legs are so much thinner now, and i can see no curves. I can't even wear shorts, it just doesn't feel right.  I'm not happy with it, but thinking about getting just 1 more kg makes me feel worse. 

Dear diary, if you're the one who knows me the best, please tell me why I'm  like this or who i am

WHO 

         AM

  I ?

- someone or something.