Dear sad diary

back to the start

Dear old diary,

When you finally find a way to kind of cope with numbness,  you get into a crisis again. And cry, cry, cry.

In a second everything can come all over again. And right now I'm  crying.

That feeling of having no one ..came back. And I can't stop  crying.

Honestly,  it's been a long time since i have no one, but i was just fine with it. Now im not. Again. At " school" (cursinho) I'm  alone, sitting in the  last chair, and it's  like i have something contagious, because around me? No one sits. *besides that girl that i know.  The only  one i know there*

At the other thing, also related to college, im Completely  alone. Seems like they all know each other. But me? Im just someone, a strange girl , like Carry *from the horror movie* but without her "powers ".. Unfortunately.

The way people  look at me, like i have some kind of ... contagious disorder.  Like i'm  so disgusting. No one talks to me or anything. No one knows me, but sometimes seems like they laugh at me. If it happens only on my mind, I'm  crazy. If not, people can be really mean.

I was just there, quiet on my place , when in the middle of all those people, hearing their laughs and conversations ( while i seemed to be the only one alone ), i felt like crying.

How can someone  live like this? Its a nightmare everytime i leave my house. But i still go to these places. Because i need to get into college.  Why?  Why do i keep trying..

I hate me more  and more each day, feel like the universe hates me, 7 billion of people  hate me without even knowing me. How can you live like that Feeling like this?

Saturday  and sunday I'll  have a test. We won't  have to wear  uniform and only this can make me feel anxious  and feel like  crap ( i only go out to go to school and therapy, so im always with my uniform) .There will be way more people. I'll  be alone. Im shaking already.  That's  idiot. i know. But i do not control this shit.

How can someone be able to do all of these stuff, when he or she (actually  me) doesn't even feel like existing? 

People  expect  us to do everything,  be someone, do something  with your life. How you feel is not important. " Its all in your head, so just be positive, breath in and out , and relax" .

Wow. Not helping :)

No one seems to get you, you know why? BECAUSE THEY REALLY DONT. Lets cut out all of the "you're not alone" crap. Because we are. You know that. You feel that. It doesn't  matter if someone care about you, like your family  probably  say, or a "friend". You are alone. You are the only  one who actually get it; Who cannot say this is all drama, because you feel the pain. You are alone. Maybe just mentally;  maybe physically too.  Maybe both.. ( like me #hifive)
So

I'm  only  19, and I already  want it to be over.  I don't  expect  to live  a long life to know if I will still be like this, because i know I will. It started like this, and seems i will always write the same chapter.

Are you alone?

-me